Obesity Discussion Forums

[shpoog]

hi everyone,

i'm new to the forums and wondered if someone would point me in the right direction. i'm trying to find the place to have a dialog about someone in my family (my mother) that is obese. our family has been trying to talk with her about this for many years but can't make any progress. is there a particular forum here i could go to for advice on how to deal with this type of issue? thank you!

[Obesity Discussion]

You came to the right place, but I moved your topic into the weight loss support forum.

First off welcome to the site!

Please let us know how we can help you, and what's on your mind. The more details the better, as I know that many of us have gone through something similar.

[William Wallace]

I know all about this situation myself as I have been through it too. It's a very sensitive issue and one that is hard to deal with. I would be more than happy to share some of my experiences with you as well, and would love to help you with your situation.

Welcome to the site!

[shpoog]

great, and thank you for the warm welcome!

my mother has been obese for as long as i can remember, at least 25 years. i've tried through the years to talk with her about it but it's always a difficult conversation to have. she's 67 years old and things aren't improving. her mobility is decreasing, she doesn't have much stamina, arthritis, etc.

several years ago i tried to participate in forums like this but it was a really negative experience. to my surprise, i was berated for trying to change her and people questioned my love for someone that i couldn't accept. this was a gross manipulation of reality and i realized that their mindset was more about obesity acceptance rather than dealing with the issues.

my mother means the world to me and i want to make sure she's with us for a long time and healthy. i don't know if she considers herself obese. at the same time, i don't think she sees someone skinny when she looks in the mirror either. i just don't know what is going on.

what i do know is that i want to do whatever i can to address the issue and to help her get on the track of losing weight. does anyone have thoughts or ideas? we've tried to talk with her and that hasn't been productive. we've talked with her physician and he's also talked with her about it to no avail.

forgive me if this thread has already been discussed. i'm certain i'm not the only person asking these questions.

[William Wallace]

Originally Posted by shpoog

great, and thank you for the warm welcome!

Originally Posted by shpoog

my mother has been obese for as long as i can remember, at least 25 years. i've tried through the years to talk with her about it but it's always a difficult conversation to have. she's 67 years old and things aren't improving. her mobility is decreasing, she doesn't have much stamina, arthritis, etc.

several years ago i tried to participate in forums like this but it was a really negative experience. to my surprise, i was berated for trying to change her and people questioned my love for someone that i couldn't accept. this was a gross manipulation of reality and i realized that their mindset was more about obesity acceptance rather than dealing with the issues.

my mother means the world to me and i want to make sure she's with us for a long time and healthy. i don't know if she considers herself obese. at the same time, i don't think she sees someone skinny when she looks in the mirror either. i just don't know what is going on.

what i do know is that i want to do whatever i can to address the issue and to help her get on the track of losing weight. does anyone have thoughts or ideas?

forgive me if this thread has already been discussed. i'm certain i'm not the only person asking these questions.

We're all about healthy change here, and it's for the best for your mother's health and for your family in the long run. I doubt you'll get ANY pushback here!

Well, first and foremost, your mom is going to have to want to lose weight, and she is going to have to be willing to commit to a lifestyle change, not a diet. The question is how do you convince her this is a good thing?

A good heart to heart is always a good start, and the more family members you can get involved at the same time the better. That will emphasize the importance of this issue to her. You need to be delicate though, no accusations......

Start off with something like:

Listen, there is something we all have been meaning to talk to you about, and it would really mean a lot to us if you would let us sit down with you and discuss this. Don't surprise her with it, because when people are suprised they get defensive. Plan ahead. Let her know the family wants to get together to talk about this. That way she won't be shocked and surprised.

Explain to her that the reason everyone is here to talk to her is because they love her very much and are concerned about her well being. She make act surprised and not be sure what you are going to say, but tell her you are all concerned about her current and future health. Reassure her that you all want her to live a long healthy life, and that you discuss how we can make it happen. Try not to point fingers and say you you you.....as much as possible say we want to help.....make her feel like this is a group effort thing not a singling out thing. Also maybe don't single out weight specifically, but word it like "we think there are some things you could do better to help you live a long healthy life."

That's when you bring up the concerns about mobility issues, cardiovascular risks, diabetes risk, etc, and we want to see how we can avoid these issues now and in the future.

She may agree with you to shut you up or end the conversation, but keep an eye out for whether she's truly sincere or not. Let her know how important it is for the grandkids to have their grandma while they grow up, for their kids to have someone to come to, and make sure she knows how important of a component she is to the family, like an important part to a machine that won't function well without her. Once she realizes how important she is to everyone that should make her want to stick around.

If she does not realize this just yet, it may be necessary to ask her if she understands the health risks of not making a change. Everything from 50% higher cancer risk, to higher risk of heart attack, stroke, immobility, bone/joint issues, sleeping problems, insurability, etc. Don't tell her in a way that will make her terrified. For example,

Don't say you'll be 50% more likely to get cancer, explain that by losing weight she'll be 50% less likely to get cancer, she'll be less likely to have a heart attack/stroke, etc IF she loses weight, and that you know she doesn't want to endure any of those things.

It's never too late in life to get started, contrary to what she thinks, and you need to let her know she has the support and encouragement from the entire family if she is willing to work on her health.

After she is willing to commit, you then need to talk about how you are going to get there. Don't throw everything at her at once, explain that the first step is to start with eating changes. Get her to commit to mapping out what she eats on a daily basis (calories, fat, protein, and carbs), and explain that very likely we will need to reduce the calories she is consuming. Get her be ok with that, and explain to her about calorie deficits, and that each 3500 calories she cuts out of her diet will be one pound that she won't put on. Let her know this can be done over a long period, say by setting up a calorie deficit of 500 calories a day so that in one week she should lose about a pound. (Explain that a calorie deficit is consuming less calories than you expend).

This should get you started, and if she is willing to do this, we can help you plan out an eating plan just for her.

[Merle]

Hi Shpoog!

I am sorry to hear of your debacle and it is a problematic one. William gave great advice, and I agree, avoid surprises at all costs. People get very defensive when caught off guard. Try to have everything you want to say mapped out and review it once or twice before having the talk, and that way you don't leave anything out you want to say. It's easy to get sidetracked especially when a topic may become emotional.

Maybe as a lead in to the conversation mention that you have been reading a lot of health related studies lately (like the ones here for example), and it got you thinking about the health of everyone you care about.

I think the first step is to get her to commit, then once you do, figure out a plan that works best for her, and then figure out a good way to implement it. One step at a time as you don't want to overwhelm her.

[shpoog]

wow, first let me say thank you for your thoughtful responses! i truly appreciate them.

yes, this is certainly a complicated issue. we've tried many different variations of that initial conversation but nothing seems stick.

there's no doubt you are right when you say the only way for this to work successfully is for her to fully embrace the idea. our challenge has been getting her to accept what is happening and make a commitment to changing patterns of behavior that are deeply rooted in decades of living with this.

she hears the words, but won't do anything about it. she acknowledges that it's important but won't start down the path. she's an extremely bright woman so she fully understands all of the health consequences. yet, we can't get her to take a genuine first step down the road.

frustrating.

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by shpoog

wow, first let me say thank you for your thoughtful responses! i truly appreciate them.

yes, this is certainly a complicated issue. we've tried many different variations of that initial conversation but nothing seems stick.

there's no doubt you are right when you say the only way for this to work successfully is for her to fully embrace the idea. our challenge has been getting her to accept what is happening and make a commitment to changing patterns of behavior that are deeply rooted in decades of living with this.

she hears the words, but won't do anything about it. she acknowledges that it's important but won't start down the path. she's an extremely bright woman so she fully understands all of the health consequences. yet, we can't get her to take a genuine first step down the road.

frustrating.

I hear you on that one. It sounds like she needs a little kick in the butt. Is there someone in the family or even one of her close friends that can join a gym with her and can be the one who picks her up and motivates her at the gym? It's a lot easier to do something when someone else you enjoy spending time with is doing it too. Plus humans are competitive by nature, so if she sees someone else doing it, she may be more apt to really get into it. It probably wouldn't hurt either to get her a few personal training sessions with a very attractive male trainer to get her going. I also hate to say this, but maybe even set a reward system for her? Maybe if she loses say 100lbs the family pitches in and send her to Hawaii for a week? I know it's bribery, but maybe if there's something she really wants in life, she may be willing to hit the gym to get whatever that something is.

[William Wallace]

Originally Posted by Obesity Discussion

I hear you on that one. It sounds like she needs a little kick in the butt. Is there someone in the family or even one of her close friends that can join a gym with her and can be the one who picks her up and motivates her at the gym? It's a lot easier to do something when someone else you enjoy spending time with is doing it too. Plus humans are competitive by nature, so if she sees someone else doing it, she may be more apt to really get into it. It probably wouldn't hurt either to get her a few personal training sessions with a very attractive male trainer to get her going. I also hate to say this, but maybe even set a reward system for her? Maybe if she loses say 100lbs the family pitches in and send her to Hawaii for a week? I know it's bribery, but maybe if there's something she really wants in life, she may be willing to hit the gym to get whatever that something is.

I'll lose 200lbs if you offer me a trip to Hawaii

[shpoog]

heck - if it was that easy i'd send her on a trip around the world!

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by shpoog

heck - if it was that easy i'd send her on a trip around the world!

You know, I was just talking to someone in a similar situation, and basically the mother told them that she won't do it until she's ready to, but she does know that she should do something about it. The problem is the mom feels that hearing her family talk to her about these issues actually makes her want to eat more. :eek4:

[Merle]

Originally Posted by shpoog

heck - if it was that easy i'd send her on a trip around the world!

Bring it up and see what she says!

[shpoog]

Originally Posted by Obesity Discussion

You know, I was just talking to someone in a similar situation, and basically the mother told them that she won't do it until she's ready to, but she does know that she should do something about it. The problem is the mom feels that hearing her family talk to her about these issues actually makes her want to eat more. :eek4:

well, that's exactly what we're experiencing. we've tried many different types of conversations over the past few decades and it seems like we try and have a constructive conversation and she adds more weight to the problem.

could it be that the weight she adds after talking about it is just some sort of "insulation" from the world?

there are a million answers to this question but i ask it rhetorically, "why are people obese"? hiding from something? trying to heal some sort of internal hurting via food? genetic/physical?

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by shpoog

well, that's exactly what we're experiencing. we've tried many different types of conversations over the past few decades and it seems like we try and have a constructive conversation and she adds more weight to the problem.

could it be that the weight she adds after talking about it is just some sort of "insulation" from the world?

there are a million answers to this question but i ask it rhetorically, "why are people obese"? hiding from something? trying to heal some sort of interal hurting via food? genetic/physical?

I also wonder if depression is part of the equation. That seems to be an escape for many who are depressed. Sometimes addressing the depression can fix other areas.

[Irving]

Originally Posted by Obesity Discussion

I also wonder if depression is part of the equation. That seems to be an escape for many who are depressed. Sometimes addressing the depression can fix other areas.

this is very true as I know people who have dealt with similar issues. and welcome to OD shpoog!!!

[sass63]

Hi and welcome everyone here is very helpful and wonderful as you are already finding out.
I am not sure how much help I can be other then someone to listen on a bad day.

My fathers top weight was just over 600lbs he wouldn't listen to anyone not the doctors and not his children,
He once told me that food was all he had and he would not have any weightloss surgery and he would eat as he liked.
In the end it did kill him. We lost him about 4 yrs ago. I miss him alot.

Don't give up on your mom as long as she is with you there is a chance you can change her mind. But the on thing you have to remember is she has to do it for herself. My father knew that and thats why he never changed anything he didn't want it.

I learned a lot from him. So did my brother and my sisters. We all topped out over 400lbs but unlike our father. Or maybe because of him. We all knew we didn't want the life he had. So we all took drastic steps to change. All of us had the weight loss surgery.
My brother still struggles with his weight he is on the gain again now.
My youngest sister is doing very well and went from just over 300lbs to some where around 180 now.
My middle sister died of a heart attack a month after her surgery. I miss her so very much we were more then sisters we were best friends.
And myself after the deaths of a grandchild,my father then losing my sister I started gaining again. I went back up to 330lbs and that was a little over a yr ago.
With myself I looked at myself one day and said NO WAY not after all this work. So I changed everything I dont eat the same I dont do a lot of the same things that caused the bad eating.
Its a life time struggle and right now I am on the winning team. But I want to watch my kids be grown ups and have all their children and I want to be here to watch the grandchildren grow up ect.

Sorry didnt mean to write a book here, But maybe you can find something in my story to help.
The best of luck to you and if you need an ear there is always someone around who cares to listen.

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by sass63

Hi and welcome everyone here is very helpful and wonderful as you are already finding out.
I am not sure how much help I can be other then someone to listen on a bad day.

My fathers top weight was just over 600lbs he wouldn't listen to anyone not the doctors and not his children,
He once told me that food was all he had and he would not have any weightloss surgery and he would eat as he liked.
In the end it did kill him. We lost him about 4 yrs ago. I miss him alot.

Don't give up on your mom as long as she is with you there is a chance you can change her mind. But the on thing you have to remember is she has to do it for herself. My father knew that and thats why he never changed anything he didn't want it.

I learned a lot from him. So did my brother and my sisters. We all topped out over 400lbs but unlike our father. Or maybe because of him. We all knew we didn't want the life he had. So we all took drastic steps to change. All of us had the weight loss surgery.
My brother still struggles with his weight he is on the gain again now.
My youngest sister is doing very well and went from just over 300lbs to some where around 180 now.
My middle sister died of a heart attack a month after her surgery. I miss her so very much we were more then sisters we were best friends.
And myself after the deaths of a grandchild,my father then losing my sister I started gaining again. I went back up to 330lbs and that was a little over a yr ago.
With myself I looked at myself one day and said NO WAY not after all this work. So I changed everything I dont eat the same I dont do a lot of the same things that caused the bad eating.
Its a life time struggle and right now I am on the winning team. But I want to watch my kids be grown ups and have all their children and I want to be here to watch the grandchildren grow up ect.

Sorry didnt mean to write a book here, But maybe you can find something in my story to help.
The best of luck to you and if you need an ear there is always someone around who cares to listen.

Wow Sass, I had no idea how much you've been through. It is amazing you have been able to stay tough and stay focused through all of this. Not easy in the slightest, but it is great that you took control of your life, and I know you will meet your goals no matter what.

[shpoog]

yes - it seems to be a great group of people in these forums!

sass - thank you for your thoughtful message. sadly, it seems as though what you've gone through is a preview of my future. believe me, i'll never give up. it's frustrating, sad, maddening, etc... but giving up a fight like this would be the same as giving up loving her. that will never happen. hopefully she'll decide that she wants to be around to see her grandchildren grow up. she enjoys being around them and there's nothing i'd like more than to have my children get to know, and be influenced by my mother.

obesity / weight loss is a complicated issue. whoever started these forums has created a great place for people to come and have support, encouragement and find great information related to this topic.

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by shpoog

yes - it seems to be a great group of people in these forums!

obesity / weight loss is a complicated issue. whoever started these forums has created a great place for people to come and have support, encouragement and find great information related to this topic.

Stay tough and do not give up like Sass said. Hopefully things will turn out for the best. I also have found that my actions tend to rub off on others.......which was part of the reason I started this site, was to try to get through to some of the people I love how important it was to be healthy. Maybe if others around your mother start getting into healthy eating/exercise, she may decide to get involved too? Just a brainstorm.

Oh, and thank you so much for the kind words.

[sass63]

Originally Posted by shpoog

yes - it seems to be a great group of people in these forums!

sass - thank you for your thoughtful message. sadly, it seems as though what you've gone through is a preview of my future. believe me, i'll never give up. it's frustrating, sad, maddening, etc... but giving up a fight like this would be the same as giving up loving her. that will never happen. hopefully she'll decide that she wants to be around to see her grandchildren grow up. she enjoys being around them and there's nothing i'd like more than to have my children get to know,