Obesity Discussion Forums

[Thin Desire]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums. I'm kinda long-winded, so I'm gonna try and keep it as short as possible. I made an earlier post and it disappeared into cyberspace, argh. But anyway, gonna try again. This is kinda a vent more than anything, but I'm just wondering if anybody has any of the same or similar experiences that I did and do.

I'm a guy in my 30s, and I have been overweight or obese my entire life, I don't know any different what it's like not to be fat. I remember my mom tellin me that as a baby she would lift my stomach off the floor so tha that I could crawl. Other than that I was fairly "normal" until the age of 7.

By the time I was 7, I was weighed by my parents and hit the scales at a "massive" 78 lbs, which felt massive to me, lol. And, so that started the litany of diets that I have had to battle my entire life. In hindsight, compared to a lot of kids today that is not all that fat, but it was big then. My parents divorced by the time I was 8, and I moved away from my verbally and physically abusive dad to live with my mom.

I continued steadily gaining weight taking much verbal and physical abuse throughout middle school for my weight. By the time I was 13, I hit 220 lbs, which I thought was massive because it was the weight my maternal grandmother was. And, during that age, the school physical attacks were so violent I can't even utter it, of course, no one did anything.

By age 14, I had more stress and gained to 375 lbs. (!) At that point, any quality of life I had stopped, couldn't go to amusement parks, could hardly do normal things like sit in a movie theater seat and things of that nature. And pretty much stayed at that weigh level through my 20s.

By the time I hit my 20s I had gotten up to 448 lbs! And, the only reason I know that is because I had to fit two scales together and add them up. Was a size 63" waist. At that point, breathing was labored, and I couldn't even leave my house without taunts from passers-by either in cars yelling obscenities about how fat I was, or from people on the streets saying things under their breath. I was in a mall one day, and I talked about getting a job, and the sales clerk guy says "You, a job?" I should have walked away from his business.

And, so finally I'd had enough, had a health scare, had always been hypogylcemic, and just started losing massive amounts of weight. And, got down to around 300 lbs, wasn't really thinking of myself at that time. My mom's health had gradually declined due to lifelong juvenile diabetes (type I, not the more common type II), and heart disease.

A few years ago, she passed away, she was my greatest friend and champion, and I miss her.

So to get on my feet I moved in with my verbally abusive dad and his wife. He does not support me emotionally at all. He is just slightly overweight, but basically doesn't eat, his wife even less so, and constantly chastizes my size calling me "lazy" and saying I "have no respect for myself" and to "look at me". If there's a fat person on the television, she will call them "stupid" and tell the person to look at themselves.

So basically, I feel like I have no support at home and live in an environment that has ZERO understanding of this lifelong battle over my weight.

But things did improve, I got a job and made lots of friends, and lost even more weight to about 240-260 lbs. At my height, I barely looked like I was carrying over 200 lbs, and for the first time in my life was accepted as "normal", one of the normal, thin people, and to be honest it was a little overwhelming. I became a sort of "hottie". Girls would fawn over me saying they wished they were as "thin" as me, because they would see me drop weight fast.

And, everyone would flirt or make advances to me: girls, guys, all ages, and it was just a bit overwhelming for me who had gone from nothing to all that.

And, so around the same time, I developed horrible arthritic pain in my joints, and due to the medication I was taking and my metabolism basically crashing to hell, I gained nearly 100 lbs back! Nightmare city. But the psychological side, returned to food as comfort because it felt like love.

And, so it's made things only worse I gained to about 351 lbs. And, suddenly I had pressure from my friends, who for the first time in my life ONLY knew me as "thin" (relatively speaking), and didn't know that I had been obese ever, even though I told them over and over, and the pressure from my father and his wife only worsened. My metabolism crashed to the point I was gaining about 3 lbs a day (!).

My father puts pressure on me to where I have to lose 10 lbs a week (which is anorexic levels) or I'm "not trying". He will not accept the 1 lb a week standard or the fluctuations therein.

And, unfortunately due to the economy, I lost my job. In addition, my stepmother decided she'd stage an "intervention" and had our neighbor stage an "exoricism" to cast out the demon of gluttony. Suffice it to say if it weren't such a laughably comic situation, I found it very, very traumatic and just retreated further. She is from the Philippines, I'm not, and so in her eyes, even after I lost all the weight, I got ZERO recognition, and am just
considered obese by her standards. Sizes in her country run higher than in the USA, and so even when I got from a 3 or 4xl size to a 1 xl, it didn't matter, because it was still a 3xl in her country's sizes, so I was still a fatty, argh.

I feel like such a freak to have lost so much weight, and have gotten basically no recognition for that, and when I do (from mom's family) I feel like they are just waiting for me to "fail". I have an aunt who had gastric bypass but gained the weight back. For a time, she pressured me to have the surgery as well.

And, so I've managed to lose back down to 299 lbs, which is the weight du jour, but I fluctuate WILDLY. I've gone from 280 lbs to 311 lbs back and forth ad infinitum. But yeah I have lost from 351 to where I am now since May, which is a major accomplishment I know.

It's so frustrating to have to do it AGAIN. And, so basically I'm just really wounded basically, tired of our society obsessed with nothing but looks and in general the sexual allure that accompanies and pervades it through everything.

And, I find myself isolating from even my closest friends, but even they are putting pressure on me to lose, though not as extreme as my dad and his wife.

Foodwise, I have many issues. I have always like comfort foods such as chocolates or starches and such, and plus I have bowel issues. I simply cannot eat the healthy things without it causing horrible and painful constipation like pushing through a watermelon through an area the size of a golf ball, lol. And, so if I do not want painful constipation, I find I am forced to eat all the bad, chocolately, fatty foods that make one fat, and it's
so frustrating.

I also have allergies to many fruits such as apples, which cause drymouth. And, now exercise is difficult because of the arthritic problems causing pain in walking.

So all in all, I come to you as a wounded soldier in the never-ending battle of the bulge. I know it may seem utterly ridiculous as I have lost around 150 lbs, and obviously I know a little about losing it. Mainly I just cut calories MASSIVELY, watching them INSANELY. It's about the only way I know to do it, keeping myself to one or two meals daily.

As a rule, I can only eat around 1500 calories daily and maintain, period. Sometimes this fluctuates. I have GAINED on zero or 500 calories, and I have LOST after a 10,000 calorie pigout. So it just depends, but in general, I cannot eat a normal 2000 calorie per day plan and expect not to gain at some point, though I have been known to maintain on that or
greater for a few days at a time.

So basically, that is my long story, a lifelong, it seems, neverending battle of the bulge, trying to break free of this fat prison, while at the same time acknowledging that psychologically, I do have some issue of using the fat as a kind of protection and when the barrier was lowered, I gained a lot of weight back, and not altogether by accident. I knew what I was doing, I just didn't expect to gain back 100 lbs, eek.

So here I am a svelt 299 lbs (tomorrow it could be 301 or 292, I never know what the scale will tell me), haha, and am wondering if anybody else has been through anything at all similar, and has any advice, when everyone in your life basically is pressuring you to lose weight, and doesn't understand the struggles you must endure or your experiences. It can be so hard. And, as of late, isolating from friends just because I'm so sick of it.

So thanks for listening.

[woppa]

WOW, what a story, im not gonna try to solve all your problems here, but im gonna give you some advice from the heart, move away from your dad and his partner, and find some really supportive friends, you have far too much negativity around you, im fat, i know im fat, exactly the same as you, but i have apositive family and friends and that helps tremendously. I feel for you buddy i really do, dont give up, remember how you felt when you were slim, that has to be worth a few changes. Good Luck. Dave

[marymary_27]

I sooo just wrote you a long reply and completely lost it. Grrrrrr!!!!!

[Thin Desire]

Originally Posted by marymary_27

I sooo just wrote you a long reply and completely lost it. Grrrrrr!!!!!

It's ok, maybe you can try writing it in notepad and copying, that's what I had to do. I had written my post, but it took so long I lost it, sigh.

[marymary_27]

What I had basically said was kudos to you for trying to lose and seeking help. I agree that you need people that are going to support you and not sabotage your successes. It isn't healthy to lose 10lbs weekly. I know it can and has been done, but then you are at risk for more issues. I've lost 10lbs in a month but that is a little healthier.
I also had said that your issues with eating healthy foods and getting constipated could be your water intake. There are many studies about how much water you are supposed to drink in a day and what counts. This is what I follow: drink as many ounces as you weigh. I weigh 225, I (try to) drink 225 ounces. This doesn't happen every day but more days than none I hit 200. I count water, tea, 0 calorie sobe lifewater, and if I flavor with something like crystal lite. I don't drink coffee but would count that. I don't count the diet soda I drink (which isn't much anymore). I also eat a lot of fiber. I am going to post before I lose this again.

[Thin Desire]

Thanks. Yeah I should drink more water, I probably drink about 4 or 5 glasses a day, I dunno if I could drink like 28 glasses a day though, but I could dry. We don't realize just HOW much of our hydration is due to food we eat rather than the liquids we drink.

[marymary_27]

It's easier for me when I am at work, because I always have something right next to me on my desk. When I'm home I get to doing other things and forget and then am PARCHED!!! I like saltier foods as well so I like to think that drinking more water helps balance that out. Good Luck!!

[Fluffymomma]

TD, that's some story and lots of stuff going on in your world. I look forward to the day that you can say you moved out from under your dad and stepmom. That sounds too much for anyone to handle.

I hope that your friends are at least being civil and are concerned about your health wise. We all need some type of support from somewhere. And we are glad you are here. Sure hope you stick around.

And I wish you luck on the job hunt.

[Thin Desire]

Thanks, believe me, me too. It's such a simple goal, yet so elusive. Everytime I have enough money or some hope, he finds a way to "borrow" my money without ever paying it back in actual cash.

At any rate, I ate around 3,000 calories day before yesterday and this is just an example, a normal breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and two helpings of spaghetti for dinner. Woke up the next morning and mysteriously dropped 6 lbs, outta nowhere. ??? This is typical, no reason or anything. Then yesterday, ate like 1500 calories, maybe, today I maintained. it's so weird. Actually UP about 1/8 of a lb.

Everyone talks about how it takes a deficit of 3500 calories to lose "fat", but since we are 65% WATER, the fluctuations, at least on me are crazy, and people never say "oh you've gained a few lbs, but I see it's only water" lol.

Well my friends are being civil, but they come at me from a different point of view. They never knew me as obese, just a bit pudgy, in other words "normal". Like I "passed" for thin. So they are coming at me from a "you gotta get in shape" point of view from a thin person's point of view, plus there's an attraction element. The one thing I learned in losing the weight is how much it is the attraction element that plays a part in just about everything in human interaction, even though it is unspoken.

But at any rate, yeah they are better than my dad, where I have to endure ritualistic religious situations, at least my friends "don't eat my soul" as it were, lol, and spiritual guilt to lose weight, but it has its own stresses. As I said, offline, feeling pretty much alone out there.

At any rate, that's my update for the day.

[Fluffymomma]

TD, I hope this all works out for you. Finding a new job, saving some money and moving out. Maybe even run into a friend who needs to share the rent. I know California can be quite an expensive place to live.

I cannot even imagine the stress you are feeling living where you are now. But I believe you will find your way.

Keep plugging away. It's your health are you talking about here. Need to keep that in mind as much as possible or there will be some reprocussions because of it. That's why I am here to lose weight as well.

[sickofbeinobese]

other people have nothing to do with your choices..when i joined aa they told me i was a volunteer,not a victim.hehehe..it saved my life....stop making excuses and take control...it's entirely up to you to change all this ..my heart goes out to you. we're all in this together and i'm pullin for ye...

[Rue]

Sounds like you've been travelling on a very rough road, and still have a ways to go...

I too, would move out, if at all possible and see how I did on my own. Start being more physically active...you don't need to do official exercise, but just stay active...

[Thin Desire]

Well at this point moving out is pretty near impossible. I don't think I mentioned in my post that I've developed osteoarthritis which makes it difficult to walk without much pain, but also to find work. But I DO get exercise through pain and all. So I'm feeling pretty trapped and stuck at this point. I prefer the present situation to being homeless, yes. But I am doing everything I can to change this.

As far as the weight, well I have already lost about 150 lbs, so obviously, yes no one stops me in this endeavour. It's just difficult right now as I have little control over the foods I'm allowed to eat, and can't really change that right now. So it's just frustrating, and I guess my post was more of a vent than anything. Nevertheless obviously I don't let it stop me. 150 lbs of weight loss is no small potatoes.

At any rate, thank you everyone for your support. I DO appreciate it. Together we can all beat this.

[Dini-boop]

Im so sorry, I could just cry for!!hope you can feel my virtual hug !! As easy as it is to give advice, I am not saying this lightly, but as woppa said you would benefit from moving away from your dad and stepmother as they seem to be a consistent negative force in your life!!again its easy to say bu if you could find people or even just one person to support you in your weight loss It'l be the best thing you'll ever do!!wishing you every success ...

[phoenix]

TD, thanks for sharing your story. You are obviously a strong person to carry on with such determination and warmth in spite of the knocks you've had to endure in life. I wish you continued success in this battle and hope you keep coming here when you need support and information.

Good luck with your job search too- once you have that, you'll be better able to make a plan to improve your situation.