Obesity Discussion Forums

[Ellorien]

Hi everyone. I hope you're all having good days. I know how hard it is to have those. I have agoraphobia so bad because of my weight, which makes it really hard for me to want to leave the house, which means too many of my days are passed in solitude working on my publishing company (or slacking) and spending time with my husband when he gets home. And the really sad thing is: the weight is really the only part of my life that sucks! I have a great marriage. I really, really like my job. I feel like my personality is awesomely sparkly; I just wish my outside appearance matched. I also have 3 adorable hedgehogs to love and plenty of good friends both in real life and online. It's a good, good life... except for the weight.

Fighting my weight seems to be something I've always done. I remember in second grade (about age 9) finding out that I weighed 95 pounds, about twice as much as my classmates. Same thing in 6th grade when I hit 200 pounds... a point I've never been under again. I'm 35 now and weigh something over 440. I'm not sure how much because the scale at the clinic stops there, but I don't suspect it's too terribly much because all my clothes still fit about the same.

Now here's the sad part... that climb up to this weight happened with me fighting tooth and nail all the way. There were years in college where I only ate about 600 calories a day--partly due to poverty, but more due to the fact that ever since that day in second grade I've been afraid to eat. As a kid, I had ballet, tap, gymnastics, softball, and regular PE in school. As a teen, I danced, had more PE in school, rode my bike everywhere, and got into weight training. As an adult, my only time of successful weight loss (a bounce down from 392 to 293) came when I was *addicted* to exercise and did 2-4 hours per day going to Curves, Tai Chi, and swimming plus the random weekend hike thrown in for fun. This latest slide in my weight happened when I blew out my knee as a result of all that exercise and had to cut back to a paltry hour per day. Now, I do even less because my knees and back hurt so bad, but I also have gone back to my anorexic ways. I feel best when I eat under 1,000 calories per day (despite my doctor ordering me to eat at least 1,500). On a really "bad" day I might eat 2,400. The research I've done online, and the opinion of my doctor, is that the food is not the issue for me, but we can't figure out what else it could be. I've been on meds for hypthyroidism for about 10 years, so I don't think it's all that. And it's not Cushing's as a test recently ruled out. But we're kind of at the end of our knowledge over here, and the endocrinologist who is covered by my insurance won't see me since it's not Cushing's (but she doesn't seem to want to find out what else it could be, which makes no sense to me!)

Anyhow... I'm just so lost. I don't know what else to do or try. Gastric bypass seems to be for people who can't control their food. I can. And, yes, I'm eating healthy stuff. I have to in order to treat my type 2 Diabetes. (My blood sugars, incidentally, are usually between 85 and 100 and maybe as high as 138 after a carb-heavy meal... if 30g counts as heavy). I just don't even know what else to try, but I'm so scared... I'm scared I'll never be able to have kids. I'm scared I'll die too soon (I have SO much to live for!). I'm scared I'll just keep getting bigger and be unable to stop it. I'm scared I'll never feel "normal" much less "pretty." And I just hurt so bad inside for being this way. Until a concrete answer presents itself that suggests it's NOT my fault definitively, I just have this feeling deep inside that it is... even though an objective look at my life suggests that I have always done MY VERY BEST to fight against this. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was a binge eater just so I could have a behavior I knew how to change!

I heard on the news recently about some mice (or was it rats?) they tested and found a link between stress and obesity. This could very well be a factor for me. My parents were both alcoholics, and I followed up that life with 11 years of being abused by a boyfriend. When I finally got out on my own, I endured great financial stress as well as the stress of trying to learn how to live a life free of damaged thinking. And then I had a nervous breakdown in late 2005. I'm still trying to build back up my life after that. So, ya, a bit of stress.

Anyhow... I'm so lost I don't even know what kinds of questions to ask anymore about what to do next. I'm looking for advice, mostly. But emotional support might be nice, too. I feel like, "The Human Puddle," as I am wont to call myself. I feel like a freak of nature and like I have no right to be out in the world offending people with the sight of me. It's so, so bad. On the upshot... at least when I cry it closes up my throat so I can't eat a thing.

Yes, I do realize that this all sounds bad. And no, I don't want to go on anti-depressants. Like I said, the rest of my life is really good, and I have it in me to be happy and laughing. When I can make myself forget how fat I am, I actually feel pretty decent. And having been on anti-depressants and fought so hard to get off them, I'm so reluctant to start up again. I think the biggest source of my depressive thinking is just that feeling of futility that pervades me now. I just want to *DO* something to help myself, but I'm so tired of trying things that don't work. I need something that will actually make a big difference. I'm 5'9", and I think I would look pretty good around 180 pounds in a size 14. I think that is a realistic view of "skinny" for me. But on the other hand... it's just so very far from where I am now that I despair of ever getting there.

Help, anyone? Help if you can. I really miss the vitality I once had, the activity of which I used to be capable, and the feeling that, while bigger, I at least belonged in society and wasn't a monster set apart from it, like I feel I am now.

I guess that's all I wanna say for now.

~~Ellorien

[Merle]

Originally Posted by Ellorien

Hi everyone. I hope you're all having good days. I know how hard it is to have those. I have agoraphobia so bad because of my weight, which makes it really hard for me to want to leave the house, which means too many of my days are passed in solitude working on my publishing company (or slacking) and spending time with my husband when he gets home. And the really sad thing is: the weight is really the only part of my life that sucks! I have a great marriage. I really, really like my job. I feel like my personality is awesomely sparkly; I just wish my outside appearance matched. I also have 3 adorable hedgehogs to love and plenty of good friends both in real life and online. It's a good, good life... except for the weight.

Fighting my weight seems to be something I've always done. I remember in second grade (about age 9) finding out that I weighed 95 pounds, about twice as much as my classmates. Same thing in 6th grade when I hit 200 pounds... a point I've never been under again. I'm 35 now and weigh something over 440. I'm not sure how much because the scale at the clinic stops there, but I don't suspect it's too terribly much because all my clothes still fit about the same.

Now here's the sad part... that climb up to this weight happened with me fighting tooth and nail all the way. There were years in college where I only ate about 600 calories a day--partly due to poverty, but more due to the fact that ever since that day in second grade I've been afraid to eat. As a kid, I had ballet, tap, gymnastics, softball, and regular PE in school. As a teen, I danced, had more PE in school, rode my bike everywhere, and got into weight training. As an adult, my only time of successful weight loss (a bounce down from 392 to 293) came when I was *addicted* to exercise and did 2-4 hours per day going to Curves, Tai Chi, and swimming plus the random weekend hike thrown in for fun. This latest slide in my weight happened when I blew out my knee as a result of all that exercise and had to cut back to a paltry hour per day. Now, I do even less because my knees and back hurt so bad, but I also have gone back to my anorexic ways. I feel best when I eat under 1,000 calories per day (despite my doctor ordering me to eat at least 1,500). On a really "bad" day I might eat 2,400. The research I've done online, and the opinion of my doctor, is that the food is not the issue for me, but we can't figure out what else it could be. I've been on meds for hypthyroidism for about 10 years, so I don't think it's all that. And it's not Cushing's as a test recently ruled out. But we're kind of at the end of our knowledge over here, and the endocrinologist who is covered by my insurance won't see me since it's not Cushing's (but she doesn't seem to want to find out what else it could be, which makes no sense to me!)

Anyhow... I'm just so lost. I don't know what else to do or try. Gastric bypass seems to be for people who can't control their food. I can. And, yes, I'm eating healthy stuff. I have to in order to treat my type 2 Diabetes. (My blood sugars, incidentally, are usually between 85 and 100 and maybe as high as 138 after a carb-heavy meal... if 30g counts as heavy). I just don't even know what else to try, but I'm so scared... I'm scared I'll never be able to have kids. I'm scared I'll die too soon (I have SO much to live for!). I'm scared I'll just keep getting bigger and be unable to stop it. I'm scared I'll never feel "normal" much less "pretty." And I just hurt so bad inside for being this way. Until a concrete answer presents itself that suggests it's NOT my fault definitively, I just have this feeling deep inside that it is... even though an objective look at my life suggests that I have always done MY VERY BEST to fight against this. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was a binge eater just so I could have a behavior I knew how to change!

I heard on the news recently about some mice (or was it rats?) they tested and found a link between stress and obesity. This could very well be a factor for me. My parents were both alcoholics, and I followed up that life with 11 years of being abused by a boyfriend. When I finally got out on my own, I endured great financial stress as well as the stress of trying to learn how to live a life free of damaged thinking. And then I had a nervous breakdown in late 2005. I'm still trying to build back up my life after that. So, ya, a bit of stress.

Anyhow... I'm so lost I don't even know what kinds of questions to ask anymore about what to do next. I'm looking for advice, mostly. But emotional support might be nice, too. I feel like, "The Human Puddle," as I am wont to call myself. I feel like a freak of nature and like I have no right to be out in the world offending people with the sight of me. It's so, so bad. On the upshot... at least when I cry it closes up my throat so I can't eat a thing.

Yes, I do realize that this all sounds bad. And no, I don't want to go on anti-depressants. Like I said, the rest of my life is really good, and I have it in me to be happy and laughing. When I can make myself forget how fat I am, I actually feel pretty decent. And having been on anti-depressants and fought so hard to get off them, I'm so reluctant to start up again. I think the biggest source of my depressive thinking is just that feeling of futility that pervades me now. I just want to *DO* something to help myself, but I'm so tired of trying things that don't work. I need something that will actually make a big difference. I'm 5'9", and I think I would look pretty good around 180 pounds in a size 14. I think that is a realistic view of "skinny" for me. But on the other hand... it's just so very far from where I am now that I despair of ever getting there.

Help, anyone? Help if you can. I really miss the vitality I once had, the activity of which I used to be capable, and the feeling that, while bigger, I at least belonged in society and wasn't a monster set apart from it, like I feel I am now.

I guess that's all I wanna say for now.

~~Ellorien

First of I want to welcome you to the website!

I figure I will throw a few thoughts into the mix. First off it seems that when you were exercising is when you were losing the weight, and you would have kept losing had you kept exercising. Is it possible to get into a pool? Maybe some water aerobics or swimming? That would by far and away be the easiest way for your to exercise painlessly. I know your back hurts, but could you try one of those seated handbikes? Those should not impact your knees at all either, but I am not sure about your back.

Also, have you considered getting second opinions on your tests? I have found in the past that the first answer from the doctors may not be the right one or most accurate one. I have been given wrong advice/results before and have always gotten a second opinion.

I happened to know someone who was prescribed medicine for his thyroid, and it turns out he was given the wrong dose! He was taking it for almost a year and didn't know any better, until another doctor told him his dosage was too small. He left the old doctor, went to the new doctor, got a new prescription and the weight kept flying off.

You should look in our obesity studies section, there are tons of studies on stress and other things that have been known to contribute to obesity.

Here are some stress related ones:

In fact, here's the stress and mice test you refer to:
Stress & Obesity


Other stress related studies:

One Fatty Food Meal Plus Stress Equals Physical Harm



.....and since your home so much and don't go out at all, maybe lonliness is contributing to your stress level?

Loneliness increases risk of hypertension: Study

[fr1endly2]

SORRY you are lost at a crossroad.
BUT its decisions only you can make.

HAVE you thought about seeing a weight management
counclor for help??? Have you checked your thryroid? i konw
folks with thyroid problems have to work twice as hard to loose
and you say your eating healthy.

FOR me i had the gastric bypass. I wanted my life back. I wanted
to gain my self esteem back and good health back. FOR me i wish i had
done this YEARS ago. IT has fixed my birth defect and now i eat normal
sized portions. ITS a tool that used right will keep me slim and trim
for a long time to come. IT wasnt an easy journey but was
what i needed to regain my life back.

I cant make a deicsion for you.
JUST wanted to "SHOW SOME SUPPORT"
good luck sorting thru what you should
do next!
hugs

[Irving]

Originally Posted by Ellorien

Hi everyone. I hope you're all having good days. I know how hard it is to have those. I have agoraphobia so bad because of my weight, which makes it really hard for me to want to leave the house, which means too many of my days are passed in solitude working on my publishing company (or slacking) and spending time with my husband when he gets home. And the really sad thing is: the weight is really the only part of my life that sucks! I have a great marriage. I really, really like my job. I feel like my personality is awesomely sparkly; I just wish my outside appearance matched. I also have 3 adorable hedgehogs to love and plenty of good friends both in real life and online. It's a good, good life... except for the weight.

Fighting my weight seems to be something I've always done. I remember in second grade (about age 9) finding out that I weighed 95 pounds, about twice as much as my classmates. Same thing in 6th grade when I hit 200 pounds... a point I've never been under again. I'm 35 now and weigh something over 440. I'm not sure how much because the scale at the clinic stops there, but I don't suspect it's too terribly much because all my clothes still fit about the same.

Now here's the sad part... that climb up to this weight happened with me fighting tooth and nail all the way. There were years in college where I only ate about 600 calories a day--partly due to poverty, but more due to the fact that ever since that day in second grade I've been afraid to eat. As a kid, I had ballet, tap, gymnastics, softball, and regular PE in school. As a teen, I danced, had more PE in school, rode my bike everywhere, and got into weight training. As an adult, my only time of successful weight loss (a bounce down from 392 to 293) came when I was *addicted* to exercise and did 2-4 hours per day going to Curves, Tai Chi, and swimming plus the random weekend hike thrown in for fun. This latest slide in my weight happened when I blew out my knee as a result of all that exercise and had to cut back to a paltry hour per day. Now, I do even less because my knees and back hurt so bad, but I also have gone back to my anorexic ways. I feel best when I eat under 1,000 calories per day (despite my doctor ordering me to eat at least 1,500). On a really "bad" day I might eat 2,400. The research I've done online, and the opinion of my doctor, is that the food is not the issue for me, but we can't figure out what else it could be. I've been on meds for hypthyroidism for about 10 years, so I don't think it's all that. And it's not Cushing's as a test recently ruled out. But we're kind of at the end of our knowledge over here, and the endocrinologist who is covered by my insurance won't see me since it's not Cushing's (but she doesn't seem to want to find out what else it could be, which makes no sense to me!)

Anyhow... I'm just so lost. I don't know what else to do or try. Gastric bypass seems to be for people who can't control their food. I can. And, yes, I'm eating healthy stuff. I have to in order to treat my type 2 Diabetes. (My blood sugars, incidentally, are usually between 85 and 100 and maybe as high as 138 after a carb-heavy meal... if 30g counts as heavy). I just don't even know what else to try, but I'm so scared... I'm scared I'll never be able to have kids. I'm scared I'll die too soon (I have SO much to live for!). I'm scared I'll just keep getting bigger and be unable to stop it. I'm scared I'll never feel "normal" much less "pretty." And I just hurt so bad inside for being this way. Until a concrete answer presents itself that suggests it's NOT my fault definitively, I just have this feeling deep inside that it is... even though an objective look at my life suggests that I have always done MY VERY BEST to fight against this. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was a binge eater just so I could have a behavior I knew how to change!

I heard on the news recently about some mice (or was it rats?) they tested and found a link between stress and obesity. This could very well be a factor for me. My parents were both alcoholics, and I followed up that life with 11 years of being abused by a boyfriend. When I finally got out on my own, I endured great financial stress as well as the stress of trying to learn how to live a life free of damaged thinking. And then I had a nervous breakdown in late 2005. I'm still trying to build back up my life after that. So, ya, a bit of stress.

Anyhow... I'm so lost I don't even know what kinds of questions to ask anymore about what to do next. I'm looking for advice, mostly. But emotional support might be nice, too. I feel like, "The Human Puddle," as I am wont to call myself. I feel like a freak of nature and like I have no right to be out in the world offending people with the sight of me. It's so, so bad. On the upshot... at least when I cry it closes up my throat so I can't eat a thing.

Yes, I do realize that this all sounds bad. And no, I don't want to go on anti-depressants. Like I said, the rest of my life is really good, and I have it in me to be happy and laughing. When I can make myself forget how fat I am, I actually feel pretty decent. And having been on anti-depressants and fought so hard to get off them, I'm so reluctant to start up again. I think the biggest source of my depressive thinking is just that feeling of futility that pervades me now. I just want to *DO* something to help myself, but I'm so tired of trying things that don't work. I need something that will actually make a big difference. I'm 5'9", and I think I would look pretty good around 180 pounds in a size 14. I think that is a realistic view of "skinny" for me. But on the other hand... it's just so very far from where I am now that I despair of ever getting there.

Help, anyone? Help if you can. I really miss the vitality I once had, the activity of which I used to be capable, and the feeling that, while bigger, I at least belonged in society and wasn't a monster set apart from it, like I feel I am now.

I guess that's all I wanna say for now.

~~Ellorien

welcome to OD Ellorien! you are lucky to have a supporting husband. very important!

have you considered seeing a specialist about your agoraphobia? it would seem that part of your problem is your inactivity and confinement to your home. i think taking care of that could be a big help. maybe looking into some anti-anxiety medicine like xanax might help? it is apparent from your past that your best success at losing weight was through being active.

starving yourself via anorexia is not the answer. there's a good thread here where a member tried eating very little and it didn't work either. this may be worth a read: Looking for HELP / Advise please.

if you don't give your body enough calories you are risking doing damage to your body.

i see you are stressed and again exercise or acitivity are great stress relievers and help reduce weight too. double bonus. i agree with merle you need to find a way to become active again. try to surround yourself as much as possible with friends and family that will help out too. you should also get second opinions on your medical issues as well and get everything rechecked.

i think you could also benefit from a meal plan as your caloric intake is all over the place. have you considered seeing a nutritionist? i think it would help you out a great deal to get a meal plan that guides you as to what to eat and how often to eat it. it should be easy to follow since you do spend a lot of time at home

i wish you the best of luck in the future and hope you don't wait to take action, this is important! there are a lot of people in your situation so you are not some strange person by any means! stay positive and know that there is a solution but it is just a matter of finding it

[Obesity Discussion]

Excellent suggestions everyone. I do agree on getting second opinions on things such as your thyroid and getting help to overcome your phobia. The only thing that has worked for you is being active (physically), and that is something you have to pursue again.

Before you spend all this time seeing hundreds of doctors, I would focus on getting your eating and exercise habits in check. Your caloric intake is all over the place. I'm curious, do you actually manually write down the calories of everything you eat? How do you know you eat under 1000 some days and 2400 calories the next day? One of the things many studies have proved over the years is that people tend to underestimate both the portion size that they eat as well as the amount of calories they consume in a day.

I'd really like to see a few days worth of what you eat, everything from snacks, to meals, to drinks, to condiments.

[William Wallace]

Great points of view everyone. I think a lot of the important stuff is covered.

You really need to get your eating habits and exercise under control. Too erratic in my opinion. If after exercising lightly and eating a proper diet (you are consuming way too few calories) you are still not losing weight, then I would start to see the doctors for second opinions.

[PassTheBypass]

Originally Posted by Obesity Discussion

Excellent suggestions everyone. I do agree on getting second opinions on things such as your thyroid and getting help to overcome your phobia. The only thing that has worked for you is being active (physically), and that is something you have to pursue again.

Before you spend all this time seeing hundreds of doctors, I would focus on getting your eating and exercise habits in check. Your caloric intake is all over the place. I'm curious, do you actually manually write down the calories of everything you eat? How do you know you eat under 1000 some days and 2400 calories the next day? One of the things many studies have proved over the years is that people tend to underestimate both the portion size that they eat as well as the amount of calories they consume in a day.

I'd really like to see a few days worth of what you eat, everything from snacks, to meals, to drinks, to condiments.

And, if you are writing down what you are eating including the calories, can I suggest a spreadsheet for storing the numbers? There are a few out there on the web, and since you are doing online publishing, I am guessing you could handle a grid.

I pulled an existing one off the web, made a few changes to match what I wanted, and it makes storing food results easier for me.

After you blew out your knee, did you get physical therapy? What exercises did they reccomend for your knee? For example, can you use a reclining bike? I know I used that as a big part of my PT.

And of course, welcome to the club. We are growing and yet shrinking at the same time. (OD, can I copyright that phrase?)

[Obesity Discussion]

Originally Posted by PassTheBypass

And, if you are writing down what you are eating including the calories, can I suggest a spreadsheet for storing the numbers? There are a few out there on the web, and since you are doing online publishing, I am guessing you could handle a grid.

I pulled an existing one off the web, made a few changes to match what I wanted, and it makes storing food results easier for me.

After you blew out your knee, did you get physical therapy? What exercises did they reccomend for your knee? For example, can you use a reclining bike? I know I used that as a big part of my PT.

And of course, welcome to the club. We are growing and yet shrinking at the same time. (OD, can I copyright that phrase?)

©


Done. Officially copyrighted.

[William Wallace]

Originally Posted by Obesity Discussion

©


Done. Officially copyrighted.