Obesity Discussion Forums

[Jasmine130]

Hi all,

I wasn't quite sure on which forum I should start this thread, so I chose this one .

I think obesity and food-related issues are complex in nature and am interested in what others think of their own experiences with same. Maybe I'm weird (well I *am* weird) but I don't think I'm alone in these ponderings.

I stopped at 10 questions. I would be interested to know your thoughts.

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

----Jasmine

[SentinelBasch]

Interesting thread, Jasmine! I completely agree that food issues are often quite complex, and often stem from issues separate from food altogether.

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

Yes, I do. I've heard some people say, "Well, I was just born this way," and no offense to anyone, but that's baloney. I was born at almost 10 pounds, too, and have had to work harder than most to get my weight off. That might be unfair, but that's life.

I do not think that all overweight people have self-esteem issues, but if you are overweight, it's because you're eating more than your body is burning, which is unhealthy in itself.

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

Part of it is health. I have a family history of many medical problems which I do not want to encounter. Notably, my mother has diabetes, and I see the toll it takes on her.

I also want to feel better about myself. While losing weight in itself does not "fix" the mind, it can certainly help. However, that's me, and not all overweight people suffer from body image issues.

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

Yes. For most people, health is not enough of a motivation on its own. It's the most important reason, however, and for lasting weight loss, needs to be a consideration.

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

I was mocked all the time in school for being fat, among other things. Also, my grandfather once told me that there was no place for fat people in our society. There are also others in my family who talk about being overweight with a claim of "concern", while it's clearly something else.

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

I'm 27 years old, and I've never even been on a date. This is largely due to how I see myself. I know that the inside is what matters the most, but it is extraordinarily difficult to see yourself as you really are, and not based on your perception of how others see you.

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

I've never experienced chronic joint or back pain from it, but I did used to tire out very easily, even just walking up the stairs.

Yes, I think accommodations should be made. Weight is not a measure of someone's worthiness in society. Everyone has something to offer, and should be treated as such.

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

Is this question asking if I have have been prejudiced toward people larger than me since losing weight? If so, then no, especially since I have been there, and still am there. Many of these people are going through the same things that I am. It doesn't make me better than them - perhaps just more hopeful.

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

There are many stigmas attached to the word "fat", such as useless, and lazy. I strongly disagree with these stigmas, but for me personally, the word fat simply means overweight. Other people have called me fat in a non-demeaning way, and I can comfortably call myself fat without any other hidden meanings.

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

To be successful, you need to have some idea of where you're going. That doesn't mean you have to set everything in stone, or that your goals have to be big ones.

I do believe it is VERY important to celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small. Even if you weigh 500 pounds and lose 5, that's still an accomplishment! It can be daunting to see how far you still have to go, but encouraging to see where you've come from.

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

I remember stepping on the scale a month or two back and it saying 197. I hadn't been under 300 since I was 16. It was quite a moment to see a weight starting with "1".

I do have a fear that enough will never be "enough". Whenever I go out and see super-thin guys with small frames, I feel sorrowful that I will never be that small. At the moment, I can say that I have to lose weight because I have an unhealthy amount of body fat. However, what about when I do reach my goal and that's no longer an issue? Will I really be able to look in the mirror and say that I like what I see? So many people link their self-worth with a number on a scale, when it really is just a number. It's an important number, but it's JUST A NUMBER! Are we healthy? That is the most important thing.

[Jasmine130]

I really enjoyed reading those responses, thank you! And yes, you correctly understood what I was trying to ask in #7.

[Obesity Discussion]

[QUOTE=Jasmine130;30920]Hi all,

I wasn't quite sure on which forum I should start this thread, so I chose this one .

I think obesity and food-related issues are complex in nature and am interested in what others think of their own experiences with same. Maybe I'm weird (well I *am* weird) but I don't think I'm alone in these ponderings.

I stopped at 10 questions. I would be interested to know your thoughts.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

Yes.....but unhealthy as in eating for reasons other than basic nourishment needs such as emotional eating, or boredom eating.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

Me personally, when I decided to get healthier, my goals were to live longer (for me and my family), have less health related complications in the future (heart conditions in the family), to be a better athlete, to have more energy, and to feel better about myself.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

Absolutely. Whether it's personal satisfaction, improved sex life/dating life, more energy to play with the kids, reduction of perceived discrimination, wanting to have more clothing options, obtaining a job like a fireman, there are a ton of great non-health related reasons for losing weight IMO.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

I've encountered more height discrimination than anything else.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

It depends, however I do agree that places like bathrooms should have more room in some stalls, changing rooms, etc, but for events/happenings where you have to buy a seat, but require more space (like a larger or multiple seats on an airline or more space on a bench at a football game), I'm torn on whether these accommodations should come at an extra price. This is my financial cost cutting mindset kicking in (as a finance person in real life) battling my rationale.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

I would never think different of anyone in that manner, period. I have a real problem with people who hold prejudices against others.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

I think the connotation of fat is a bit more harsh than other phrases like overweight.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

I think goals are one of the most important things one can do....not to set too many at one time or to make any one goal so large that it makes it seem almost unobtainable. Baby steps!

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?
----Jasmine

When I hit my target weight I felt the satisfaction of achieving a goal I set for myself more than anything else...I'll admit, I was proud.

[Jasmine130]

Thanks for your responses OD! I find it really interesting to read these responses

[matt007]

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

I think probably so, but I'm not so sure. Like personally I don't think I was ever really emotionally eating, I think the problem for me was more that I didn't care. But that doesn't neccessarily mean that mine wasn't emotional. I guess I only know my experiences for the most part, and I'm not sure about me even.

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

My reasons have changed. Initially it was about a girl and that got the ball rolling. Now I'm interested in getting into intelligence in the military so I have to get down further. Past that I think it's more a wanting confidence thing than a health thing.

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

Sure, let's face it health isn't the sexiest reason unless you already have health problems or they're looking imminent. I figure whatever helps people to improve themselves is a good thing.

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

I mean I've been called fat and other names I can't think of off the top of my head. But I don't see that so much as discrimination really. I don't do so well with the ladies, but I can't blame them for their preferences. I think people tend to treat me better lately as I'm getting lower. But if I've faced discrimination it hasn't been obvious outright stuff.

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

I can't really expect people to treat me differently than I treat myself. I'm confident with myself for the first time in years. For all that time I was unhappy/uncomfortable with my weight I can't really expect others to feel differently.

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

I've never had any mobility problems. But certain things hiking for one are soooooooo soooooooo much easier now. And I can't even imagine how easy they'll be 40 pounds from now. I think large size accomidations should be made available, however; if they're cost issues I think the cost should be passed on to the consumer. e.g. I have no problem with larger airline seats costing since they can't seat as many. But a larger booth in a restaurant shouldn't be any more since there's no real added cost to the restaurant for providing it.

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

Nope. I do feel like just about anyone who really wants to can lose weight now. But I also understand it seems like an impossible goal sometimes, so it's hard to get the motivation. And I don't hold it against anyone. Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing it I always try and help them though.

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

I think it's a rude thing to do because it has so many bad connotations. And I know in the past it used to kill my confidence when someone would say it to me. I certainly wouldn't say it to anyone knowing how it hurt. Nowadays I don't mind personally, I am fat. I'm not as fat as I used to be. But it's an accurate term to describe me.

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

I think goals are really important. I love hitting my mini goals. I was so psyched when I hit non obese a month or so ago. When you hit one of your goals I think it gives you a ton more confidence and helps you keep going.

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

Not really sure, I was there at 19 maybe 20 before I put on a lot of weight. And there were benefits of the opposite sex being a lot more forward. But I'm not really sure how it will be for me now I'm a lot happier with how things are nowadays than I was back then. So I think it will be different.

[monique]

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

Not necessarily. I think it is possible to eat too much simply because you like to eat and not because you are compensating for anything or because you're attributing emotional value to food. I guess if you define overeating as unhealthy in itself that would qualify, but if you're talking about an unhealthy *emotional* relationship with food I think most obese people probably do, but not all. I don't think my own relationship to food is unhealthy, I just think my weight wasn't a top priority and I like to eat, plus I can eat a lot without feeling uncomfortable and I get hungry a lot compared to other people I know. Usually after overindulging I would feel like "Yum, that was good!" rather than feeling ashamed or sick.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

I figure it's only a matter of time before I get some weight-related health problem and I want to be more comfortable during pregnancy as well as being more fertile. I also don't like how people look at me and think they can diagnose my problems from the fact that I'm obese. I don't like being judged as lazy or gluttonous or having strangers think they're better than me.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

Of course I think it's OKAY to do whatever they want, but I don't think it's ultimately as motivating to do it for any reason besides health. And I think if you're motivated only by your appearance or thinking you'll be a better person at a lower weight, you'll end up disappointed. I suspect that anyone who works on their psychological and emotional issues to the extent that they're really happy with themselves, will only have health left as a reason for losing weight.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

Yes. I have been asked to explain my weight problem in a job interview, which I thought was pretty inappropriate!

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

Yes. I felt like I'd be letting down my principles by conforming to society. It took me a few years to figure out that I could be self-confident the way I was, and to become "fat and proud!" And then it felt like caving in to peer pressure to decide to lose weight. I think the way I reconcile/rationalize it is that I know I was happy and healthy and had a wonderful life at 350 pounds plus, but proving that to others just isn't a good enough reason to keep it up if I can improve my health by losing weight. I do still feel like a bit of a traitor to the cause when I get excited about my looks improving when my weight goes down, but I'm going to stay on the large side and maybe I can find a way to encourage others to find a balance between health, vanity, and self-acceptance.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

Interestingly I haven't had much trouble. I've had a few chairs be uncomfortably small, and a restaurant booth be a bit snug, but for the most part I think there are some accommodations for the large already. I sometimes need a seatbelt extender on airplanes depending on the airline, but car seat belts usually fit (except the super old ones without elastic like in my dad's vintage 60s car) and most amusement park rides will fit larger folks, last time I went to one there was even a sample seat available so you wouldn't have to wait in line to find out if you could fit in the seat.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

No. I get a little annoyed with people who are fat and hate themselves but I am fairly judgmental of everyone to be honest! I don't like people who complain all the time, whether it's about their weight or their looks or their job, I think they should just stop talking and do something about it!

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

I don't mind the word "fat," I just don't like the negativity people attribute to it. The more polite words people use don't fix the stigma behind them.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

I think it depends on your personality. Some are more goal-oriented, and some can be happy with the journey itself. I think it's more realistic to set goals like "being able to walk 5 miles" rather than choosing an arbitrary number you want to reach for weight. But sometimes hitting numbers can be a confidence boost.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

I think I'll be more confident and hopeful that I'm going to live a longer and healthier life and I'll be less self-conscious about showing skin. I already have overcome some tank-top shame, someday maybe I won't worry people are staring if I wear shorts! I have a small fear of rebounding and some fear that I won't end up looking better. My mom and little sister insist that if I lose weight I could be a plus-sized model, it would be pretty awesome to get paid for getting my picture taken but I don't know if that's realistic. I really don't like the idea of cosmetic surgery but if I looked strange with extra skin hanging off me I guess I would want it. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

So are you going to answer your own questions, Jasmine? I liked seeing the thoughts so far, new perspectives are always enlightening.

~Monique

[MichaelB]

Good questions and, as someone else noted, I'm also enjoying reading the answers people have been providing.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

Yep. Especially in the U.S., I think we've lost a real sense of balance. We seem to have embraced overindulgence, often without regard for the consequences.

They still have a sense of balance in Europe... There the joy of food and drink go hand in hand with both responsible portions and a healthy, active lifestyle.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

Absolutely first and foremost, my primary reason is my continued good health.

My second reason is hiking. It's my passion, my raison d'etre. And it's a *LOT* easier to go the places I like to be if you're not carrying an extra hundred pound backpack around your waist.

My final reason is personal relationships. I want to be with a woman who enjoys the outdoors as much as I do, and that really does require some level of fitness. And I want to be as attractive to them as they are to me.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

Absolutely. Whatever your reasons for choosing to lose weight, I'll support you in that goal as long as it leads to a healthier, happier you.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

No.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

No difficulties in getting around, even at my top weight of 337 pounds.

Re: accommodations, I think we've already made good inroads toward accommodating the obese and otherwise overweight. Those seats on the airplanes are awfully tight, but I understand their reasoning for charging people who do require multiple seats.

In Europe, I had more trouble with my height than my weight, though.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

What makes you think I've lost weight? Is it noticeable? Why thank you, thank you for noticing. Yes, this is a new shirt. No, I've had the pants in my dresser drawer for a while.

(Is it that obvious that I'm putting off answering this question?)

Yes, momentarily, I have, but I felt awful about it after the fact.

There's a person where I work, she's probably somewhere between 600 and 700 lbs. Has horrible health complications because of her obesity, and it impacts her ability to get to/from work and perform her job.

My main quibble with her was the fact that would go on and on about how horrible her life is, complaining about the costs of her medications and listing off all of her various prescriptions, bemoaning the various things she needs to do to cope through life as an overweight individual, but she never appeared to do anything to attempt to reverse the situation.

Meanwhile, my employers bent over backward to accommodate. Others in the office picked up the slack in her absences. And I felt a little bitter toward her because of this.

Since then, I've come to peace with the situation.

I have no idea what she's gone through in the past, what she's tried, what her full story is. What I do know is that she's a thoughtful, kind, and sweet individual, overcome by her poor/fragile health. I still hope she'll find a way to become a healther, happier individual, but her weight is really none of my business.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

A little. Just sounds judgemental for some reason. And I agree that there are other implications wrapped up in there.

Besides, there are so many other words one could use. Why pick the monosyllabic one with only three letters? What are, ya? Lazy?

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

Goals are absolutely critical to the journey.

I think it's good to have something to strive for, something to work toward, and something to celebrate once you've reached the journey's end.

Also, I see benefits to having both smaller and larger goals. The smaller goals are there so that the effort seems surmountable. The larger goals are there because it's important to have a larger picture of what all your journey will entail.

The kind of weight loss we're working toward isn't achievable overnight...it's something that one needs to work toward for weeks, months, or years, and something that one needs to continue to keep in check in the years that follow.

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

I already feel great about where I am... I suspect the feeling of pride and accomplishment will only increase as I continue to lose and maintain.

No fear here. Looking forward to figuring out a good balance once I find the bottom of this curve.

[SentinelBasch]

I've liked reading these responses, too, and I also hope that Jasmine gives them a whirl. Something in particular did peak my interest:

Originally Posted by monique

No. I get a little annoyed with people who are fat and hate themselves but I am fairly judgmental of everyone to be honest! I don't like people who complain all the time, whether it's about their weight or their looks or their job, I think they should just stop talking and do something about it!

I agree about the bit concerning people who complain all the time. It does wear down on me after a while. We all need to rant sometimes, but I've talked to some people who never pass a positive word through their lips. What a sad life that has to be.

I have noticed, Monique, that regardless of your weight, you are confident with yourself. I think it's wonderful that you have such a positive outlook on your body image, because really, I've learned that it's such an important part of long-term success. When I'm happy with myself, I WANT to do better.

Anyway, unless I'm crazy (which is possible), I believe you posted elsewhere that you didn't used to be this confident - that you used to struggle with it more. If so, how did you overcome it?

[Jasmine130]

Love. love your answers! Yes I will post mine but to be honest, I'm really tired. Just got in a little while ago from a sunset kayak on the Bay. Had some chicken soup and a sugar-free ice cream bar. Took in 1500 cals for the day, with 106 grams of protein; and expended 3700 cals.

The sleep train is coming for me now.

Tomorrow begins my vacation, so I will post my thoughts tomorrow morning. Have a great night everyone, I hope you all sleep well indeed.

[Jasmine130]

Good morning all! Here are my thoughts regarding each of the 10 questions I posted the other day.

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

As I mentioned in my original post, I think obesity is a complex thing. I didn't get to 354 pounds by eating chicken and salads. I ate chicken and salads and a whole lot more (to wit, my 15,000 calorie menu posted on another thread). What drives us to eat to such levels that we become obese and put ourselves at risk? I think there are physical and emotional factors, including addictions, that come into play.

"Normal" is a broad range in my book. There are plenty of folks who have healthy relationships with food. They may be what is called normal weight, or they may be a little underweight. They may be overweight, or obese. Once we get on either extreme of that bell curve, though, I think we likely have developed unhealthy relationships with food, which may manifest in extreme restrictions (e.g., anorexia) to extreme overeating (e.g., compulsive overeating), with bulimia being a combination of those two extremes.

There are many things that we do in life that are not so great for us. Neglecting to put on sunscreen when going outdoors. Not putting on our seatbelt for the quick trip to the store. Procrastinating on paying our bills. But when we persistently engage in behaviors that when unchecked can over a period of time, shorten our lives and diminish the quality of our lives, there is something "unhealthy" in our relationship with self and substance (e.g., food).

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

The number one reason for me is health. Very close to that reason are the following:

ease of travel (love to travel)
vanity (I want to be attractive to my husband and to like what I see in the mirror)
fashion (I enjoy expressing myself through several means;attire is one of them. Plus-size clothing has come a long way but being a "normal" weight opens wide my choices)
active lifestyle (I love to ride my bike, swim and kayak. Kayaking, e.g., is very difficult to do while significantly overweight.) I still enjoy my comfy chair, but love how I feel being active in my "new" body.

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

I sure do (see my answers to question 2.) Sometimes we're reluctant to own our vanity, for fear that we are being shallow, or that others will think we are shallow. I believe that if someone wants to improve their life, and in so doing will not harm another, they should reach out and create that improvement. We have lots of examples on this site of folks who have done just that. Do you know how amazing you are, and how you inspire those who are just a little behind you in their own journeys?


4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

I believe I have encountered fat discrimination. I have had the experience of being "invisible" to others. I've been mocked when daring to ride my bike around town while fat (oh the horror, how dare I ). Much of what I have noticed has been in the opposite though. Now that I've lost weight, I'm no longer invisible. People look me in the eye and smile. Guys whistle at me sometimes and women have told me I look cute in some outfit. For awhile that bothered me because I thought, "I've been here the whole time. Now that I'm thin, you pay attention to me?" I got over that though, no sense in my spending energy in that resentment.

It can be plausibly argued that the change in the way people respond to me is also due to my emerging self-confidence. I have always been quite home with myself at any size, and my confidence has carried me far in life. But, I am told that I have really blossomed now. So it's probably a combination of other's response to my physical change and my increased confidence.

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

I have felt this dichotomy. I was a great supporter of NAAFA and other size-acceptance movements and still feel very strongly that fat discrimination is wrong, wrong, wrong. However, when I chose to have my gastric bypass surgery, I encountered criticism and discrimination of a new kind. A couple of the folks in know in the S-A movement said I was caving in, selling out and taking the easy way out.
Some of those folks were purposed to stay fat. They loved it and were determined never to diet or seek to lose weight. I understand that and have no issue or standing to judge them. Others wanted to lose weight while still advancing the S-A cause. I *really* get that! But I did become anathema to that group, was shunned and finally shut out. That didn't stop me from caring for them or the S-A cause, but it also didn't stop me from pursuing my weight loss surgery.

There's enough judgment and criticism "out there". I refuse to judge anyone on their stance on obesity or their chosen means to change their situation.

----Next 5 following breakast with hubby -------

[johnita36]

1. Do you think most people who are significantly overweight have developed an "unhealthy" relationship with food?

I think it depends on the person some have developed a unhealthy relationship with food and I think some simply overeat for other reasons.

2. Why do you want to lose weight?

I want to loose weight first for my health also it's just so much easier to be active and have fun with my family without all the weight holding me back. And I admit I do want to feel better about the way I look.

3. Do you think it's okay to lose weight for reasons other than health?

I think it's ok to loose weight for any reason that motivates you. I think whatever the motivation you need to loose it is a great reason in my opinion.

4. Have you encountered fat discrimination?

Yes I have encountered it and it hurt very badly. In fact it was the reason I lost weight a few years ago it was by a person I was semi involved with and I think it's what hurt the worst was not being accepted and being told I needed to loose weight. I also think it's why when I got in another relationship and was completely happy and accepted it's why I forgot about my health and just let myself gain the weight back. This time I'm losing the weight for ME no one else and I think that will help me keep it off.

5. If you have encountered fat discrimination, and thought it was unfair and hurtful, have you had any difficulty reconciling your thoughts about fat discrimination with your weight loss? (That is to say, have you ever felt a dichotomy between your desire for others to accept the person you are aside from your weight, with your desire to lose weight?)

I've really not had difficulty with this it was very hard being told I was fat and needed to loose weight but I realize I'm doing this for me not because it's what society thinks I should do.

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

I've had no trouble with getting around I think the highest weight I've ever been was between 247-250 probably somewhere in that area and I was always able to still get around but I did get out of breath a lot easier and was huffing and puffing from just walking a very short distance it's nice to not have that anymore. Yes I think accommodations should be made everyone should be able to go out and contribute to society no matter what they weigh.

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

No I would never do that I think it's wrong to judge people for their weight I know how it feels and I'd never do that to someone else.


8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

The word fat bothers me because everyone seems to think with it means you're lazy and that you just dont' care about yourself and that's just not true at all.

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

For me setting goals is essential it helps me focus and when I do hit those goals it makes my confidence go up so much and it also gives me a ton more motivation to keep going and hit that next goal.

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

It will mean so much to me to be able to hit my target weight I can't wait to be there and see how much healthier I am and how much easier it is to move around and do all the things I enjoy doing. I think I will feel very happy and proud of myself. The only fear I have is not keeping the weight off since I've lost a large amount of weight before and gained all but 20 pounds of it back so that is a huge fear for me and I deal with it everyday. I just know this time I'm making a lifestyle change and I hope that is what makes the difference for me this time.




Johnita

[SentinelBasch]

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

For awhile that bothered me because I thought, "I've been here the whole time. Now that I'm thin, you pay attention to me?" I got over that though, no sense in my spending energy in that resentment.

Ain't that the truth?

You know, we're all entitled to what we find attractive, but I find it astonishing that some people avoid obese individuals for such things as casual conversation. It's like, "What, you don't think I have anything useful to say because I'm fat?"

Hopefully, this won't come across as pompous, but girls do flirt with me pretty often since I've lost my weight. In my mind, however, I'm usually thinking, "Yeah, whatever." I wonder how many of them would even give me the time of day - not even flirt, but just say hi - if I was still the weight I used to be.

I've learned that people say many things just to be "sweet", or out of pity, so I still tend to have a...disassociate approach when people give me a complement, even on the rare occasions when it might be genuine. That's probably a bit of paranoia kicking in, too.

[monique]

Hey, SentinelBasch, I can really relate to being paranoid that compliments are out of pity! And thanks for thinking I'm confident! I don't know if I can give confidence lessons so let me just indulge myself for a minute and give you my life story in a (very large) nutshell. Possibly it explains how I turned out?

I think my situation is somewhat unique in that I was a very early bloomer and got all my issues squared away for the most part at a young age. I was pretty but plump in middle school and looked old for my age so there was a weird change from all the kids teasing me for being plump to suddenly getting a lot of positive attention because I had a nice shape and breasts! That freaked me out, I think you have to be a 14 year old getting hit on by guys your dad's age to understand just how creepy it can be!!! So I started getting paranoid and thinking of being attractive as worse than being teased and had a couple years of wearing men's clothes. I was scared of being pretty but at the same time I didn't trust that I was. Now when I look at pictures of me I wonder why I was so damn suspicious! At that time I was about 170 or 180 pounds.

But anyway, as I got into my teens I was having some issues with depression and by the time I was almost 16 I'd dropped out of high school and was staying in bed all day gaining weight at a pretty steady pace, not really from bingeing so much as getting no exercise and not cutting back on my food. My mom didn't really know what to do with me but hoped for the best and encouraged me to read a lot, which I did. I didn't want to be a dropout and my parents had both gone to UC Berkeley, as did many many other relatives including my dad's dad, so I took the California proficiency exam and some college placement exams and started classes full time at a junior college. My first semester I got a 4.0 and "passed" for a grown-up in all my classes except the ones where I told people my real age. I suddenly had confirmation that I was good at something! My grades in high school weren't impressive, but now that I felt in control of my education I was doing great. I took more classes at 3 different colleges and maintained a GPA over 3.9, even with one semester of 21 units on 3 different campuses where I had to take the BART (subway) from a fairly creepy part of Oakland and was in class from 8am to 10pm some days. Meanwhile I'm getting all this positive feedback on my schoolwork, getting into Berkeley is looking realistic, I was probably 250 to 300 pounds and still getting if anything more interest than I wanted from boys. I remember one guy asking me out for drinks and then apologizing in horror when I said I was 17. I was SO not ready to date older men that would expect sex that I think being heavy was a blessing because it got me less attention. Plus I had now met so many people and faked not being shy for so long that it didn't feel like faking anymore, so I guess I cured myself of being shy!

By the time I got into Berkeley I was a junior and only 18, and as an art major I had to defend myself and my artwork against daily "critiques." So I learned to stand and listen to 30 people explain what was wrong with a painting and then respond with what I agreed and disagreed with in the comments and how I could do better. Learning to take criticism was hard but I also found out I could still hold out against negativity if I really believed in my work. Plus I found out that my academic confidence worked in social situations as well! My grandmother once took me with her to an opera gala and I chatted with the lead Soprano over appetizers. Afterwards she gave me one of the nicest compliments I've ever had, she said I had a gift for acting like I feel I belong wherever I am. I really think being thrown into all those huge classes and having to prove myself to professors is what gave me that confidence. I figured out that everyone else is just as nervous as you are so there's nothing to be nervous about, and I also figured out nobody will question how old you are or what you're doing somewhere if you act like they shouldn't. I was still having problems with depression, and having to stay home from class to cry as often as once a week, but it didn't hurt my grades, and it actually gave me some fodder for artworks. Most of my professors in the art department were amazingly supportive, and tried to talk me out of changing majors for grad school, but I didn't listen. One even said he wished he could be doing the work I was doing, which just about blew me away because he was a famous UC Berkeley art professor with solo exhibits at galleries all over the country! But I decided I wanted to be an architect, and at 21 I had my degree from Berkeley with honors, and I moved to Albuquerque, thousands of miles from anyone I knew, for a 3 year program.

This turned out to be a huge mistake, because I had no creative outlet for my depressive episodes and they only got worse. I tried to hide it by isolating myself but eventually I got to the point where I was hardly eating and I would walk until my feet were literally bleeding but still feel restless. Thankfully I had a dog that made me leave the house a couple times a day but besides that I would sit in a dark room staring at the wall for hours trying to figure out how I could kill myself without my mother ever figuring out I did it on purpose and without whoever found my body being unduly traumatized. I couldn't think of any way to ensure I was found right away that wouldn't be suspicious and I couldn't figure out what to do with my dog without someone suspecting that I gave him away because I'd planned to die. So I decided suicide wasn't an option, since I'd promised both my mom and my twin never to kill myself (lots of suicides and suicide attempts in the family so luckily it had come up!) and I couldn't rationalize putting them through that pain. It did occur to me that they only CLAIMED they didn't want me dead out of a sense of obligation and that actually everyone hated me and would be better off, but I figured my mom would be pretty upset anyway and might even kill herself and I didn't want to be responsible for that. So despite the constant impulses to throw myself in from of busses I dragged my butt into the student health center and confessed just how badly I was doing. They put me on anti-depressants and my nightmares got better and I didn't want to kill myself anymore. I had already started walking 3 miles a day and kept eating very little because I didn't have any income and I didn't want to have to ask my parents for money, and the bright side was that I got down to about 270 pounds. Guys in Albuquerque LOVE fat girls, it was awesome how much attention I got. Men honked and whistled when I walked by and one guy actually drove around the block 3 times to keep talking to me after I blew him off the first 2 times. And one of the guys at school was trying to set me up with his friend that apparently had a huge crush on me! But I still wasn't liking my program even with the depression being better so I quit and moved home. My therapist had been really helpful and advised me to work on my self esteem, which I did. Unfortunately I regained the weight because without being miserable it was hard to starve myself and walk mindlessly for an hour every day.

But now that I was kind of aimless I started looking for things I was good at to improve my self-esteem, and also I had various jobs and finally learned to drive and got over my fear of intimacy to some extent so I was starting to want to date. For the first time I actually WANTED attention from boys, but I didn't drink so I didn't want to meet people at bars and the occasional strangers that hit on me in public probably weren't great guys. So I came to the internet! I chatted and chatted and gradually got in touch with my sexuality and figured out there are plenty of men in the world who like fat ladies and met many friends and eventually one of those friends told me he was falling in love with me, which was inconvenient because he was in Minnesota and kind of too young for me. But eventually I realized he was too wonderful a person to let get away and that almost 20 years old is not THAT far from 23 years old, and took the train to MN to meet him and 6 years later we're happily married! I love and respect him so much that his extremely high opinion of me has made me think more of myself. I think it might be kind of unhealthy, but I feel like if he thinks I'm beautiful and great I must be beautiful and great! Because he's perfect and has good taste.

Okay, so I guess that means the way to be confident is to challenge yourself and focus on what you're good at, and make yourself act confident until it's second nature (I can walk into any room full of people and be confident in my ability to be friendly and make small talk. This turned out to be a great skill in corporate seminars!) and also to trust the people who tell you you're great. A spouse is maybe the best self-esteem booster but relatives and friends can build you up too. And remember that nobody's perfect, including yourself, but you shouldn't be harder on yourself than you are on others. I think it also helps to consider everyone as a good and beautiful person under their faults, including yourself. If you wouldn't blame a friend for being overweight, why blame yourself? You're only human, and so is everybody else.

Philosophy lesson is over, sorry to make this post so long but hopefully something in it is helpful or at least interesting!

~Monique

[Jasmine130]

Well ratz! This morning I posted my responses to Qs 6-9, then said I'd respond to Q10 later on today. Can't find my responses to Qs 6-9. I'll re-do tomorrow.

[SentinelBasch]

Thanks for sharing that, Monique. I was able to relate to you with quite a bit of it.

Fortunately, years of working in office administration gave me pretty good social skills - I just prefer to not have to use them.

I've heard a lot of people say that they constantly enforced a confident mindset, and eventually they started to believe it. It hasn't happened for me yet - maybe one day.

You've certainly had an interesting life.

[monique]

Thanks SentinelBasch!

Bravo for your social skills, I know people without them and I think that's a worse handicap in dating than obesity. I wouldn't be suspicious of women giving you attention, you're a good-looking guy and you seem to have a lot going for you. I bet you could have got dates a hundred pounds ago if you tried. And like I wrote earlier, I was getting attention at 270, there are folks out there that don't mind a bit "more to love!" I think it's probably normal to be insecure about these things though, especially if you've been teased for your weight in the past. I realized when my beautiful, thin sister used to get teased about her nose being too big and about her braces that teasing is simply not an accurate measure of what's wrong with someone! Kids are just mean sometimes.

I like to think I'm proof that it's possible to marry nice, attractive people even if you're over 300 pounds, which I think a lot of people don't believe. It won't matter to you for much longer, but life can be great even if you're very fat. Obviously it's no worse when you're thin though, and you're probably better off in terms of health, so I wouldn't discourage you from losing weight at all. I do think sometimes people blame their weight for all their problems though when really there's a lot they can do besides losing weight to improve self-esteem. I see that with my cousin who lost and then regained 100 pounds, and is now losing them again. I don't think weight is her real problem or she would have been happy enough thin to stay that way. I know a lot of people think they're depressed BECAUSE they're fat and I tend to feel it's the other way around. I could be wrong, but I could be right!

~Monique

[MichaelB]

Originally Posted by monique

Bravo for your social skills, I know people without them and I think that's a worse handicap in dating than obesity.

Ditto that. Most women will look straight past a little weight if you have a positive vibe, good sense of humor, and a modicum of self confidence.

Originally Posted by monique

I could be wrong, but I could be right!

[Jasmine130]

Just showing up to post my responses to Qs 6-9

6. In what ways, if any, has being overweight made it physically difficult to get around? Do you think accommodations in public and/or private places should be made for large-sized people?

It was pretty difficult for me to get around at 354 pounds on my 5'5" frame. I had a lot of pain in my joints. I easily grew short of breath walking upstairs or around the block. Sitting in plane seats was torture, as was sitting in most stadium seats. Many movie theatre seats were too tight, and the opera.....ow. I had to move the seat in my Mustang as far back as it would go in order to fit behind the steering wheel, leaving me to operate the gas, clutch and brakes with my tiptoes. I eventually took to calling ahead to new restaurants to make sure that I could get a table as I grew to fit behind no booths. I could only stand for short amounts of time, which made cooking, housekeeping, leading meetings at work, etc. difficult. It was even difficult to use some bathrooms, as I could not squeeze between the toilet and the door. I still find myself heading toward the handicap-accessible bathrooms for this reason.

I do think that public and private entities should work to make accommodations large people. It would mean more business for them, and would mitigate somewhat against the isolation that a lot of large people experience.

7. If you have lost weight, have you ever experienced prejudice in your own mind toward those are larger than you?

Yes, I have. I don't like to admit it, but it is true. Part of this may be attributable to not liking my physical self when I was heavy, and what I disliked in myself, I find disliking in others. Most of this I attribute to my human nature. I would like to think that I would never be prejudiced against a fat person, but it just ain't so.

However...as I continue in my OA program, and learn more about myself, I am growing in my self-compassion. I find along the way that I am growing in compassion toward others who are struggling with obesity. I like that change in myself.

8. Does the description of an overweight person as "fat" bother you? Are there are other descriptors you think would be better?

I didn't mind calling myself fat, but others would cringe when I did so, thinking I was using a perjorative term. For that reason, I don't call others fat, because the term is heavy with judgment in our society. Even if someone refers to their self as fat, I don't refer to them with that descriptor.

I like: heavy, curvy, overweight. Obese is a medical term but it also carries a stigma of judgment. I don't like fluffy, but can't put in words why. Zaftique and reubenesque are okay in my ears.

9. Do you think it's important to set goals for your weight loss? If you have had negative experiences with setting goals and missing them, do you think goals should be eliminated from your journey? Or, do you have ideas for how better to set them so that they become useful for you?

I do think setting reasonable goals is critical to my journey. Goals are ways to measure progress, and progress is encouraging! Encouragement is motivating. Some of my goals along the way have been: weigh under 300; weigh less than my husband; weigh under 200; reach my initial goal of 150; weigh 130. Non-numerical goals have been: run a mile; learn to kayak; fit into my old size 10 jeans (now I wear size 4 or 6); ride horseback; get back into kickboxing and bellydancing; be able to walk the whole skeetshooting range; be able to walk all 18 holes at the golf course.

10. What do you think it will mean to you when you reach your target weight? How do you think you will feel? Do you have any fear in connection with approaching or reaching your target weight?

I am almost at my target weight and I am so full of joy I can hardly stand it sometimes. I am full of gratitude and am proud of my accomplishments thus far. I do feel a little fear sometimes because of the spectre of re-gain, but that's why I am working so hard in Overeater's Anonymous and my other support groups.

[SentinelBasch]

Originally Posted by Jasmine130

Part of this may be attributable to not liking my physical self when I was heavy, and what I disliked in myself, I find disliking in others.

If this is what you meant by prejudice, then I'm guilty of the same. When I look at people who are morbidly obese, I tend to dislike that particular aspect, probably for the same reason you do. I don't feel disgust or anything similar - rather, I feel sympathy and compassion, because I've been there. I need to get over that, however, because as Monique has pointed out, not all obese individuals warrant such sympathy, because many of them are comfortable in their own skin.