How to Stop Feeling Ashamed of Being Fat – Part 1

kct · 01-28-09, 07:55 PM

How to Stop Feeling Ashamed of Being Fat – Part 1

If we lack self-confidence and belief in ourselves, it makes it harder to change our eating habits and exercise consistently. But without anyone teaching us how to 'get confident' in the first place, we're often at a loss for how we can get past this obstacle.

A good way to increase our self-confidence is to deal with the emotions that stop us from feeling confident. One of those emotions might be feeling ashamed of yourself.

To get rid of that shame, we can first look at the different sources of where it comes from, then change the perceptions and ideas that make us feel ashamed in the first place.

And once we learn these things, we'll feel much happier on a daily basis and we'll also be able to stay motivated longer. So let's get started!

There are 2 sources of shame in life: one is the external shame from others; the other is the internal shame from feeling unworthy.

Part 1 of this series will talk about the external source of shame: discrimination.

Feeling discriminated against by others is a painful experience ingrained into us by our genes. As humans evolved, we learned to value social acceptance because it increased our chances of survival exponentially. Being accepted by the group meant not having to fend for ourselves alone in the wilderness.

That leads us to the question, why do people discriminate against being fat in the first place? The answer to that is also rooted in our genes.

Physical attractiveness is a biological instinct. We naturally feel the need to ‘look good’ because it improved our chances in finding a mate, and served as a general sign of health and wellbeing. This brings us back to the instinctive need for social acceptance, because people who showed signs of disease or sickness could possibly get kicked out of the tribe.

Although we can’t stop people from staring at you, we can stop feeling ashamed when they do it. By understanding that most people stare not on purpose but because of their instincts, we can realize that people aren’t trying to be mean… it's just their programming. In a way, it’s their lack of self-control that causes them to stare. Knowing this might not make you feel great, but it might make you feel a little better. At least you know that most people aren’t trying to hurt your feelings.

But what about people who ARE discriminating you on purpose? What about the ones who like pointing you out or laughing at you in front of others?

This problem is also solved with a bit of understanding of what’s motivating them to do something like that. The answer this time isn’t so much genetic, but psychological in nature.

When someone is smirking, giggling, or outright mocking you, they aren’t really doing it to single you out… they’re doing it because it makes them feel better about themselves.

People who spend time looking for other people’s flaws have a case of low self-esteem. And if they're the type that points out flaws in public, their self-esteem is seriously low. By finding fault in you, they're trying to mask the feelings of inferiority they have in themselves. They have a belief that “If I’m gonna feel good about myself, I have to be better than the people around me”.

So the reason why they taunt or tease you is actually because they’re suffering from the same problem you are: a lack of self-confidence and a low self-esteem.

They’re hurting inside the same way you are. And they’re probably in more pain than you, since making others feel bad will leave them without any real friends. Most of these people secretly hate themselves for acting this way, because they know how it makes everyone around them grow distant.

But even though they have similar confidence problems, we can also see that they chose to deal with their problem differently. Instead of eating for comfort—which only affects yourself—they chose to hurt someone’s feelings—causing trouble for others as well. At least you’re dealing with your unhappiness in a way that doesn’t drag others down… the people who mock you have taken a much more selfish approach.

So when people give you stares and smirks, see how they’re emotionally weak, and relate to that weakness. Now don’t start pitying or looking down on them—because you'll be doing the same thing they’re doing. Just notice how those people are hurting in their own way, just like everybody else, and forgive them for their weaknesses.

So to recap, there are 2 external reasons why you don’t need to feel ashamed around people in public. The first reason is that most people don't want you to feel bad and it isn’t personal; they just have no self-control over their instincts. The second reason is that the people who are trying to make you feel bad have an even lower self-esteem than you have, and forgiving them will make you feel better.

I'd like to finish off with a quote I heard a few years ago. A great speaker once said: "People don't do things to you, they just do things for themselves".

In my next article, we’re going to delve deeper into our internal sources of shame, and deal with those issues head on… so that we can get over them and gain confidence, which will support and strengthen the changes we decide to make in our lives.

KCT © 2009

RubySlippers31 · 01-29-09, 11:20 AM

This was so helpful!!! THANK YOU!!

puddintane30 · 01-29-09, 04:06 PM

im really liking your articals , but i would also really love to see the finishing of them also. i fill totally let down when you start a new topic and not delved more inot the first one that you already had going

to much jumping in my opionion i would really like to see you work on one line at a time

seems it would actualy be helpfull that way, i dont fill like im getting any help atm .. you give me some really great thinking points , a few OH HA! moments but then there is no more

like the willpower one! ohhh please continue that one!

thank you

kct · 01-29-09, 08:08 PM

When I don't see comments I wonder if the article wasn't helpful, and my Attention Deficit Disorder jumps onto the next topic....

My bad!

I'm not gonna let me brain disorder be an excuse though, because you're absolutely right about staying on track being more helpful.

I'm gonna do my best to do that, and I hope yall do your best with your problems too.

Talk to you soon.

puddintane30 · 01-29-09, 08:15 PM

thank you kct

just like we need help to stay on track lol i see it never hurts to have help keeping a straight line for you too. cant wait to read part 2 of any of the three you have up already

manderley_1877 · 01-30-09, 11:23 AM

Very helpful info and very true. It goes not only for being overweight but for other physical things we think of as "flaws".

And it goes both ways because I've heard overweight people make fun of skinny people so we should all be aware of what we are saying and who we could be hurting!

skinnybitch · 02-10-09, 10:32 PM

Instead of analyzing the motivation of others' behavior, why not have some confidence in oneself? There is no way we can control what other people think about us, but certainly I can control what I think about myself!

chubbymommaNdallas · 02-10-09, 11:04 PM

Skinny, if only it WERE that easy. The problem with that is when you are put down enough in your life (especially when it begins in childhood) you start believing it yourself. But yes, in an ideal world, we would all feel great about who we are and not concern ourselves with other's petty judgements of us. I am only coming into my own so to speak concerning this--and I am nearly 40.

kct · 02-11-09, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skinnybitch

Instead of analyzing the motivation of others' behavior, why not have some confidence in oneself? There is no way we can control what other people think about us, but certainly I can control what I think about myself!

Good timing, Ms Bitch!

(Yes, I can't believe I said that, too XD)

Controlling what you think about yourself IS the other half of the battle, and I j-u-u-u-st finished the article on that, which you can read here.

hoping2succeed · 02-12-09, 06:04 PM

kct-

I have a friendly suggestion to make. What about writing the article in a tone that doesn't direct the reader to feel like you are speaking directly at them??? It seems to have a "I am talking at YOU!" tone.

I was just taken aback by your first paragraph. It sounded like a lecture I didn't ask for instead of the caring advice that I am sure it was meant to be. I hope you don't mind me stating that I beleive it would have been much easier to read like this...

"How to Stop Feeling Ashamed of Being Fat – Part 1

Part of why it’s so hard FOR SOME PEOPLE to lose weight, is because THEY lack self-confidence and belief in THEMSELVES. Lack of belief in ONESELF is a big reason why it’s hard to start making positive changes in ONES life and stick to them....."

Or you could include yourself by using "WE, etc." instead.

People who need to lose weight don't usually want to be told or to read articles that are pointing out their weaknesses from an outsider. It is usually much easier for most people to take words of wisdom from a person that has walked a mile in their shoes. That way we do not feel like we are being judged.

Your article seems like common sense stuff. It also reminds me a bit of some psychology 101. Very basic stuff.

It reminds me of hearing things ike these being said..."What is wrong with that fat girl? Why would she do that to herself. She must not love herself at all. She can't be happy. Maybe she's fooling herself, but if she were happy she would take care of herself."

Many of us know and understand your article, but we continue to suffer with the low self esteem or cope with it via denial or other coping mechanisms. And we stay fat.

Have you ever been to an overaeters anonymous meeting? It would give you a lot of insight to "us obese folk"

for your articles.

kct · 02-12-09, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoping2succeed

kct-

I have a friendly suggestion to make. What about writing the article in a tone that doesn't direct the reader to feel like you are speaking directly at them??? It seems to have a "I am talking at YOU!" tone...

Many of us know and understand your article, but we continue to suffer with the low self esteem or cope with it via denial or other coping mechanisms. And we stay fat.

Have you ever been to an overaeters anonymous meeting? It would give you a lot of insight to "us obese folk"

for your articles.

Thanks for the suggestions.

1- I'll work on my writing style.

I remember how it felt when I was being lectured as I was growing up for my addictions, and it was a pain in the ass, like it probably was for you. Bears changing, for sure.

2- This article was meant to help everyone deal with feelings of shame they might have, as opposed to fixing the denial and coping mechanisms.

But since you've mentioned it, it is off topic for me to go into 'dealing with confidence' when I'm just talking about shame and discrimination.

I'll message you after I've fixed the intro paragraphs. I'd appreciate it if you could tell me if it's become any better once that's done.

Edit: Changes have been made. Any more feedback would be a-w-e-some!