[grneggs]

i keep asking myself what is wrong with me?? I don't know the answer to it... i don't know why i just can't stay focused on staying on a lifetime change, and making myself a better person. i don't know why i insist on lying to myself over and over again, or why i cheat on myself. I don't know why i am so insistant on immediate gratification, and can NOT stay focused on the end result. i know that if i stick with little changes in my eating habbits and exercising, i could lose the 100 lbs, and start feeling really good, both physically and mentally. i know how important this is for my kids and for me. then why can't i change? why is it soooooooooooooo hard for me????? i am so sick of feeling sorry for myself. i'm sick of making excuses for myself... i'm done whining to everyone else, so that i can get some sympathy from them. i'm sick of friends and family members defending for my weight, or feeling like total crap when i go out somewhere. i'm sick of not having any type of self confidence what so ever.... i'm sick of avoiding people, friends, family members, because i can't stand them looking at me... i can't stand thinking that everyone, and anyone is better than me because i'm fat. i'm so sick of thinking that anyone and everyone is judging me even when they're not. i'm sick of pep talking myself everyday, so that i can face each day. i am so sick of everything... sick of it...........................
i'm not feeling sorry for myself.. cause there's so many bigger problems out there... like kids with cancer. like poverty, or anything out there... i have no room to talk... i have no place to feel sorry for myself, when i'm living in the best country in the world, with all the opportunities and facilities available for me to do what i want if i want it. but i choose not to... i choose to stay this way... to hurt myself... that's what i just don't understand.. whY????? i have a horrible relationship with my husband. Not only because of the weight, but the weight has something to do with it. Because of the weight, i can't feel worthy enough for him or anyone else... so i think i deserve only the worst in the world, so i attract that to myself... i can't get out of the marriage,due to our culture. I'm from another culture where i can't get a divorce. I can, but i would lose waaaaaaaaay too much. so.. that's not an option...

i don't know where i'm going with this blog.... i just wanted to say that i started a week ago, set to make a lifetime change in how i eat and my activities.. but today.. another week later.. i'm sitting here, knowing that i'm soooooooo weak... couldn't stay with my plans... making plans for the next week.. but already making plans to cheat myself... i feel soooooo alone and tired...