Hi everyone. I hope you're all having good days. I know how hard it is to have those. I have agoraphobia so bad because of my weight, which makes it really hard for me to want to leave the house, which means too many of my days are passed in solitude working on my publishing company (or slacking) and spending time with my husband when he gets home. And the really sad thing is: the weight is really the only part of my life that sucks! I have a great marriage. I really, really like my job. I feel like my personality is awesomely sparkly; I just wish my outside appearance matched.
I also have 3 adorable hedgehogs to love and plenty of good friends both in real life and online. It's a good, good life... except for the weight.
Fighting my weight seems to be something I've always done. I remember in second grade (about age 9) finding out that I weighed 95 pounds, about twice as much as my classmates. Same thing in 6th grade when I hit 200 pounds... a point I've never been under again. I'm 35 now and weigh something over 440. I'm not sure how much because the scale at the clinic stops there, but I don't suspect it's too terribly much because all my clothes still fit about the same.
Now here's the sad part... that climb up to this weight happened with me fighting tooth and nail all the way. There were years in college where I only ate about 600 calories a day--partly due to poverty, but more due to the fact that ever since that day in second grade I've been afraid to eat. As a kid, I had ballet, tap, gymnastics, softball, and regular PE in school. As a teen, I danced, had more PE in school, rode my bike everywhere, and got into weight training. As an adult, my only time of successful weight loss (a bounce down from 392 to 293) came when I was *addicted* to exercise and did 2-4 hours per day going to Curves, Tai Chi, and swimming plus the random weekend hike thrown in for fun. This latest slide in my weight happened when I blew out my knee as a result of all that exercise and had to cut back to a paltry hour per day. Now, I do even less because my knees and back hurt so bad, but I also have gone back to my anorexic ways. I feel best when I eat under 1,000 calories per day (despite my doctor ordering me to eat at least 1,500). On a really "bad" day I might eat 2,400. The research I've done online, and the opinion of my doctor, is that the food is not the issue for me, but we can't figure out what else it could be. I've been on meds for hypthyroidism for about 10 years, so I don't think it's all that. And it's not Cushing's as a test recently ruled out. But we're kind of at the end of our knowledge over here, and the endocrinologist who is covered by my insurance won't see me since it's not Cushing's (but she doesn't seem to want to find out what else it could be, which makes no sense to me!)
Anyhow... I'm just so lost. I don't know what else to do or try. Gastric bypass seems to be for people who can't control their food. I can. And, yes, I'm eating healthy stuff. I have to in order to treat my type 2 Diabetes. (My blood sugars, incidentally, are usually between 85 and 100 and maybe as high as 138 after a carb-heavy meal... if 30g counts as heavy). I just don't even know what else to try, but I'm so scared... I'm scared I'll never be able to have kids. I'm scared I'll die too soon (I have SO much to live for!). I'm scared I'll just keep getting bigger and be unable to stop it. I'm scared I'll never feel "normal" much less "pretty." And I just hurt so bad inside for being this way. Until a concrete answer presents itself that suggests it's NOT my fault definitively, I just have this feeling deep inside that it is... even though an objective look at my life suggests that I have always done MY VERY BEST to fight against this. Sometimes I find myself wishing I was a binge eater just so I could have a behavior I knew how to change!
I heard on the news recently about some mice (or was it rats?) they tested and found a link between stress and obesity. This could very well be a factor for me. My parents were both alcoholics, and I followed up that life with 11 years of being abused by a boyfriend. When I finally got out on my own, I endured great financial stress as well as the stress of trying to learn how to live a life free of damaged thinking. And then I had a nervous breakdown in late 2005. I'm still trying to build back up my life after that. So, ya, a bit of stress.
Anyhow... I'm so lost I don't even know what kinds of questions to ask anymore about what to do next. I'm looking for advice, mostly. But emotional support might be nice, too. I feel like, "The Human Puddle," as I am wont to call myself. I feel like a freak of nature and like I have no right to be out in the world offending people with the sight of me. It's so, so bad. On the upshot... at least when I cry it closes up my throat so I can't eat a thing.
Yes, I do realize that this all sounds bad. And no, I don't want to go on anti-depressants. Like I said, the rest of my life is really good, and I have it in me to be happy and laughing. When I can make myself forget how fat I am, I actually feel pretty decent. And having been on anti-depressants and fought so hard to get off them, I'm so reluctant to start up again. I think the biggest source of my depressive thinking is just that feeling of futility that pervades me now. I just want to *DO* something to help myself, but I'm so tired of trying things that don't work. I need something that will actually make a big difference. I'm 5'9", and I think I would look pretty good around 180 pounds in a size 14. I think that is a realistic view of "skinny" for me. But on the other hand... it's just so very far from where I am now that I despair of ever getting there.
Help, anyone? Help if you can. I really miss the vitality I once had, the activity of which I used to be capable, and the feeling that, while bigger, I at least belonged in society and wasn't a monster set apart from it, like I feel I am now.
I guess that's all I wanna say for now.
~~Ellorien