Well, I haven't posted for a while because things have gone from bad to worse, dietetically speaking. I've gained over a stone since December and was prepared to jack my slimming class in.
This is a bad time of year for me; I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and, while it's a mild case, my impulse is to shut myself off from the world. I go to work and interact with everyone there, but I'm more subdued than usual and it's been noticed. I just everyone that I'm not feeling great and leave it at that. When I go home I shut the door and that's me for the evening. I don't answer the door or the phone; I just sit in front of the TV and comfort-eat. As it's my impulse to comfort-eat anyway, it's been doubly difficult to stick to my eating plan. My resolve completely left me and my eating got out of control.
I had been dancing in the mornings and evenings and still going to my slimming class, hoping that I hadn't done too much damage. However, the exercise tailed off, then stopped, as I lost my enthusiasm for it and was only interested in eating loads of goodies while sitting on the couch watching TV.
A Typical Day's Menu
Breakfast: Scone & butter or haggis roll, cappuccino with Splenda
Snacks: Banana. Biscuits.
Lunch: Scotch pie & beans, soup, chocolate bar.
Snacks: Yoghurt. Banana. Blueberries. Biscuits.
Dinner: Half a family-sized quiche with mounds of creamy spring onion mash, cauliflower and salad leaves. Chocolate bar.
Snacks: Half a family-sized quiche. More chocolate. Bread & butter. More bread & butter with jam. More chocolate.
Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago. It was 10pm on a Wednesday night and I was overwhelmed by the desire for lasagne. Lasagne! I don't give a stuff about lasagne normally; I rarely eat it and I can take it or leave it, but that night I was desperate for lasagne. I couldn't get it out of my head. I was sorely tempted to jump in the car and drive to the 24-hour Tesco to buy some. I talked myself out of that, but perhaps I should've. I raked through my cupboards searching for tins of spag bol or ravioli, but I don't eat these very often, so I didn't have any. I was going out of my mind with the craving for lasagne and contemplated making one from scratch, but I didn't have enough milk for the sauce. I ended up eating loads of other things in an attempt to assuage the cravings. Of course, it didn't work (it never does), so the next day I went shopping and bought loads of tinned spag bol, ravioli and lasagne ready-meals. I also bought other no-no's like pork pie, chocolate, garlic bread, sweet & sour battered chicken and fried rice, jam roly poly pudding, chocolate sponge - you get the picture. I spent a whole week eating nothing but fat- and sugar-filled food.
I weighed myself at home on the morning I was due to go to my slimming class and was unsurprised to find I'd gained 6lbs in a week. I decided not to go to class and to try and lose some of the weight I'd gained. However, it didn't work out that way. I still hadn't regained my resolve, so I did more comfort-eating that week and gained another 3lbs. When I went to class the following week my group leader was shocked at how far I'd slipped. Part of the class is called "Image Therapy" where everyone talks about what sort of week they had, what they did to achieve their weight loss, what they did that stopped them losing weight and we exchange recipes and talk about new products on the market that we can include in the eating plan. When it was my turn Angie, our group leader, asked what was wrong. I told her I'd lost my enthusiasm for the plan and didn't know how to get it back. I explained that at this time of year I just want to eat things like stew and dumplings, suet pudding and apple crumble and custard. Everyone in the class was understanding and supportive and gave me lots of advice on how to combat the cravings. I felt better afterwards and was glad I went. The next day I started with new resolve and got back on the plan.
I also decided to make an appoint with my doctor and see if he could offer me other help, as I need to target the root of my compulsive behaviour. He was very sympathetic and didn't dismiss the idea of food addiction - in fact he was the one who brought it up, which I found most encouraging. He said he would refer me to a programme that helps people with eating disorders. He didn't go into too much detail, but from what he said it involves dietary advice, exercise and counselling, which is what I feel I need. While my slimming class does offer support, I need something on a more professional basis. Unfortunately, I can't afford to pay for therapy myself and the NHS waiting list is currently 2 years, but hopefully this programme will be beneficial. I know I can't do this on my own right now - I'm my own worst enemy. If I can get to the root of my behaviour, perhaps I can find mechanisms to overcome the compulsion to eat when it hits me. Here's hoping.
Last week was difficult and I didn't stick to the plan 100% - it was more like 70%, but I managed to lose 2.5lbs and regain my 2 stone award. After class I spoke with one of the members who has as much weight to lose as I do. She has lost 4 stone in 17 weeks and has a determination I dearly wish I could emulate. She is also able to do a lot of walking, which I am very envious of. Curse my knackered feet!
I swear, if I could go back to my Salsa dancing, the weight would come flying off. It would rid me of this bloody depression too. I miss it so much!!
So far, this week is proving to be just as difficult as last. Last night on the way home from work I wanted either a fish supper or battered sweet & sour chicken and fried rice. I didn't succumb, as I'd made a batch of Quorn curry and boiled rice the night before. I didn't really fancy it, but I had it for dinner anyway. I still wanted the Chinese takeaway afterwards, but I didn't give in to the impulse. However, I did end up eating 3 chocolate crispie bars later on in the evening, one after the other. I managed to stop there, so hopefully I've not done too much damage.
I'm now off work until Tuesday, as I had holidays to use up. Being at home is the most dangerous time for me. I slept late this morning and it's now 1pm and I still haven't eaten. My eating urges don't usually kick in properly until 5pm. After that, it's a battle to control the urge to stuff my face. I haven't decided if I'm having a Green or a Red day yet. I still have loads of curry and rice, which isn't tempting me right now. I'm hungry, but not really in the mood for anything in particular. I'll have to be careful and make sensible choices. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
