[grneggs]

thank you all for all your supporting words... there hasn't been any changes in what i'm doing. the only thing that has changed is that i want a change more than anything. i started school, and has a lot of things going on.. but nothing i can't handle.. after my initial blog, i was determined to be more aware of what i eat and to reduce my caloric intake. But it didn't happen. i am aware that i eat all the time, and my choices are sooooooooooooo poor. i'll have a healthier meal at home, when all i want to do is to drive to mcdonalds and buy the big mac meal. I am sooooooooo depressed. is this what drug addicts and alcoholics feel like?? like they really want to change, and stop... but can't???? then, why am i so judgemental of those people??? i have so many good reasons to be healthy.. but i'm determined to hurt myself.. i read everyone's blogs here.. and there are so many of you out there that are so determined and are doing what needs to be done. even if its little things, its things to improve the quality of life. i couldn't tell you how many years have gone by where i've been so hateful of me, and how my life is... i haven't been happy in so many years... always this in the background. i was noticing all the pictures in my house. i'm not in any of my pictures... only here and there... my kids are growing up, and there's no real significant envents that i can show where i was present with them. because i hate myself in the pictures. my kids are missing out on a healthy, happy mommy. instead, they get this.. which is not the real, happy me. i don't mean to bring anyone down... reading this will not motivate you guys..and i apologize... but i feel so depressed all the time.. and i really don't have anyone else to discuss this with. i'm so ashamed of myself..